When a Heart Breaks

This part of the story was supposed to go with my last post. I am sorry to have left you all hanging the way I did, but I couldn’t do it. I tried to continue and it hurt far too much. My plan today is to just write as fast as I can, pour it all out, and then move on. I know that someday I will want to look back on this and remember the details, but for now, I’m doing this strictly for therapeutic reasons. I hope by the end of this I will be able to find some strength and some peace in the most tragic day of my life. I hope that someday I can say the date February 15, and not have a mental and emotional breakdown. I hope that my anxiety will subside when I think about Valentine’s Day. I hope that someday I will again think of it as a happy, wonderful day to celebrate the man I love the most. I hope that the heart ache and shear pain that I feel whenever I think of that weekend will someday just become a memory that does not come along with those terrible emotions.

I hope that I can remember the details of that day. When I think back on it, so much of it is a blur. There are parts I don’t remember at all, that others have told me. I think that it was such a traumatic experience that by body has tried to remove parts of it from my memory.

Friday, February 15, Continued…

                Dr. Draper and the other doctor came back to the room. Blake was sitting next to my hospital bed, holding onto my hand. I remember squeezing him as hard as I could and trying to prepare myself for what “decisions” my doctor had in mind. I had no idea what he was going to say to me but I knew it was obviously something serious because he wanted Blake to get there quick. I wondered if there was something wrong with me that was very serious. I wondered if they decided that they were going to deliver Londyn that day. I wondered if he wanted to talk more about the pre-eclampsia? That is what I was there for in the first place right? He began, “Brooke and Blake, I wanted to talk to you because I am going to be going out of town this weekend…  There is a chance that Londyn could be coming at any time now, and I don’t want anyone else to have to tell you this… I was looking at Londyn’s ultrasound from this morning hoping that her head would be getting better and healing but it just isn’t… in fact it is much worse. I really hate to have to tell you this, but Londyn isn’t going to make it.” I remember gasping for breath like the life had just been sucked from by body. I felt like ten thousand pounds of bricks had just been dropped on my stomach. He continued on, “Londyn may not even make it through the rest of your pregnancy. I am so sorry.” Tears streamed down our faces. Those words cut like a knife straight to the most delicate parts of our already tender and broken hearts. How could this be happening? What was he talking about? He could see the look of terror and confusion in our eyes. He asked if we were okay. Blake said, “We had no idea that there was ever even a chance that Londyn wouldn’t make it. That never crossed our minds.” I know my doctor continued talking but as to what he said, I will never know. My heart had just been ripped from me. My world had just completely shattered. A few minutes later he came to the part where he wanted us to make a decision. He said, “When Londyn is born and the umbilical cord is cut, you will no longer be her life support. She will have to know to breathe on her own, eat on her own, even make her heart pump. Londyn will not know to do those things on her own because of the trauma to her brain. She will likely only live a few seconds or a few minutes. At that time, we can force her to do those things by doing chest compressions and putting her on a ventilator but that will only prolong her life for a short time and that is very hard on babies. Would you like us to make her breathe, or would you like to just hold her for the short time that you have with her and kiss her goodbye?”  

                I remember just staring at him. I could not believe what he was asking me. I couldn’t comprehend it. I sat in silence trying to process what he asked me. I continued to stare at him with empty, blank eyes. He knew at that moment that we were not capable of giving him any kind of answer. He said, “I am going to leave you guys alone to think. I will come back in a while with Dr. Null who is the president of the NICU at Primary Children’s and The University of Utah. You can tell us what your decision is then.” He came over and gave me a hug and then left the room.

                Blake held me as my body shook uncontrollably and I cried the way I never had before. We once again held each other the way we had two and a half weeks prior to this day when this had all began. Blake said to me, “We will get you some counseling. We will do whatever we need to. I am so sorry sweetheart.” Nothing anyone could have said or done would have taken an ounce of the agony that we were feeling at that moment. I couldn’t believe that we were actually going to lose our precious angel. I could feel her moving inside of me. Each movement was torturous knowing that I would soon be saying goodbye to the person that I had carried inside of me for the past 8 months. I held onto her as tight as I could.

                Not too long after my doctor came back with Dr. Null from the NICU. They re-explained to us our options. I asked him, “What would you do?” Dr. Draper said, “With the beliefs I have, and I know you believe the same, I would choose to just enjoy the time that I have with her.” That is what Blake and I had chosen to do. We talked about it and decided that if Londyn wasn’t meant to be here, we would let her go in peace. I knew that we could not be selfish at this point. You really can’t be selfish when it comes to parenthood. It’s all about those sweet angels and we decided that we were going to let our angel decide when it was her time to go.

                After that, there is not a lot that I remember from that day. I have decided that my body felt that it was too tragic for me to keep the memories, so it ridded my mind of that painful day. However, with the help of my mom and Blake, they have helped me put together some pieces from that day.

I remember that I called my mom. As to what I said to her I couldn’t remember. She said that I called her and said, “Mom, the doctors said that Londyn is going to make it.” Her response, “Why!?!”  My reply, “they said there is just too much damage to her brain.” She said, “I am on my way” and then hung up. I’m not sure what happened next but my mom said that she arrived to me and Blake lying together on my hospital bed, both of us in tears. She told me she didn’t know what to say to us. All that she could say was, “I am so sorry.” I knew in my heart that everyone wanted so badly to take away the pain from us. They wanted to say something that could help us but there just wasn’t anything to say or do. This was a real life nightmare that we were all living. My Dad and Blake’s parents arrived soon after. Each one of them held us tight, cried with us, and apologized for the terrible thing that we were about to endure. No one could believe that we were really going to lose Londyn. It had never been talked about. It had never been an option. We knew that hard things may be ahead of us. We knew that she may require help the rest of her life, but we never dreamed that we would have to live without her. I know that soon after our parents arrived my doctor came back in to check on me and take care of some paperwork. I don’t remember much of what was talked about at that time, but I remember my mom asking my doctor if there was any chance that Londyn would make it. He looked at me with very empty and sorry eyes and said, “It would take a miracle.” He told us that if she did live, it would likely only be for a few minutes. Maybe hours, maybe a few days or weeks, but if she did, she would surely be a vegetable.  Someone then asked if we were going to go ahead and deliver her. He replied (while looking at me), “I actually want you to continue your pregnancy to 37 weeks.” I felt like the life had been sucked out of me once again. I began sobbing. I could not believe what he was asking me to do. How could he expect that of me? I explained to him that each and every kick or movement that I felt was shear torture and pain. How could he seriously ask me to do this!?! He had no idea what I was going through. I was so angry and upset. He continued, “When Londyn passes away I want to be sure that it’s because her brain failed her. Not because she was premature.” After he explained more to me about wanting to give Londyn the best chance possible, I agreed to continue with the pregnancy. I was willing to do anything in this world for my angel.

I remember trying to forget the things my doctor was saying. Each time someone new would enter the room, I would show them the ultrasound picture of Londyn’s face. I would show them how absolutely adorable she was. I stared at that picture for a lot of that day. I wanted to hold onto that very beautiful, very alive face.

I remember that there was a constant flow of nurses and hospital staff who continuously would come in my room and give their apologies and ask if there was anything that they could do for us. My answer was the same every time. There was nothing that anyone could do. The pain continued to get worse and worse the more time went on. I think it just kept becoming more real that I was going to lose my Londyn.

                Soon after, our brothers and sisters began trickling in. Each of them would just begin sobbing when they walked in. It was so hard. I tried to stay strong. I felt like I didn’t have the strength to go on. I remember my mother-in-law and sister-in-law (Sandy) sitting on my bed with me. They were rubbing my back, playing with my hair, holding me, and trying as hard as they could to get some food down me. I really didn’t want anything to do with food. I had such a knot in my throat that it didn’t feel like I would be able to swallow anything. The food tasted awful, but thanks to those two, I got a few bites down me. My mom told me that she was out in the hall talking to some of my siblings. When she came back in the room, my sister Penney was laying next to me on my hospital bed, holding me. We were both crying and she just held me. It was a moment that I will always hold so special to my heart.

                I was in so much pain. I was having chest pain. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I had a terrible headache. The nurses came in to check on me and I told them how I was feeling. They began checking me for a heart attack and giving me all kinds of medication. I remember saying to one of the nurses through my tears, “I’m not having a heart attack. My heart is broken. It is literally broken. You can’t fix me. There is nothing you can do.” I was hysterical. They sent my doctor back in to see me. He insisted on me getting stronger medication. I didn’t want anything else. Nothing was working, but I took it anyway. Somewhere in the middle of all of this my doctor said something like, “the next time that you are pregnant…” before he could go on I cut him off. I was even more hysterical than I had already been. I said, “You’re telling me that people do this again? I will not be doing this again! I am not ever going to have another baby.” I began that heavy, shaking, hysterical cry again while one of the nurses held me. She said, “I am so sorry. I am so so sorry.” She just let me cry. There wasn’t anything to say.

                The next memory that I have is sitting there watching everyone talking. I don’t know what they were saying. I was in my own world. It was like there was complete silence. Like I was watching through a window. I’m not sure how to best describe it? I remember that everyone was joking and laughing. I was bewildered. How was everyone joking and laughing? My life was falling apart. That was the very first moment that it hit me that although my life was in shambles, I was a total wreck and I didn’t know how I would ever go on… everyone else’s life would go on just the same as it was before. They would keep moving ahead, and I would be trapped in this horrible dark place. That was one of the hardest things to come to grips with.

                It was getting late and everyone decided that they should go. Hospital visiting hours were about up (although I don’t think the hospital would have enforced those rules on us that night). I remember not wanting people to leave. I didn’t know what to do with the silence. I was scared. After everyone left, a nurse probably in her seventies came in. As everyone else had, she apologized for what we were going through. She said to me, “Honey, you cannot sleep alone tonight. I am going to make an exception for you. I want you two to sleep together on the pull out bed tonight (talking to me and Blake). Just make sure that you keep the remote with the emergency button by you at all times.” She also promised that they would do their very best to come in as little as possible so that we could get some sleep. I thought, “Yeah right… Like I’m gonna get some sleep on a night like this…” We both laid down together. Blake held me the whole night as I cried. He kept promising me that we were going to get through it. Just when I would think that I could stop crying I would start again. It was a long night but somehow we managed to get a little bit of sleep even with the nurses coming in every couple of hours.