To my precious Londyn,
Sunday morning I woke up early from a very
good night’s rest. I remembered having some bad dreams. Although I was awake, I
just laid in bed. I was too exhausted to move. My body didn’t have the strength
or energy to do anything. I remember feeling like my soul was gone. I knew that
I had not been dreaming when they told me that you were going to die. I knew
exactly why I felt the way that I did. I tried with every ounce of strength I
had in my body to tell my heart not to cry. I even said out loud to myself over
and over again, “Don’t cry. It will all be okay.” I thought maybe if I lied to
myself enough times that I might somehow start to believe myself. Tears were
streaming down my face. My pillow wasn’t even dry from the night before so it
really didn’t matter anyway. I was trying so hard to be strong for you. I
didn’t want you to hear me cry. I didn’t want you to feel the horrible pain and
emotion I was going through. Dad woke up and rolled over only to see me with
tears rolling down my face. He scooped me up and held me the way he had for the
past two days. He was right by my side every second to hold me when I needed.
When one of us wasn’t strong, the other one was. We took turns having our come-aparts.
We both told each other that there was no way that we would be able to continue
on with this life had it not been for us having each other. We both needed the
other so badly.
After crying for quite a while and talking to Dad about how we were feeling we
decided that we needed to get out of bed and move on with our day. There wasn’t
much I was allowed to do but we thought we would go down and watch some TV or
something. As I went to go downstairs, I saw your room. I knew that I really
shouldn’t, but I went in, sat in your rocking chair, and began rocking you
while I held onto my belly where you were safely tucked away. I sang you “You
are my sunshine” as I had every other day of my pregnancy. I never could have
dreamed just how true the words to that song would come to be to me. I never
would have guessed they would become my life.
“The other night dear,
while I was sleeping,
I dreamt I held you in my
arms.
When I awoke dear,
I was mistaken,
so I hung my head and cried…
You are my sunshine.
My only sunshine.
You make me happy,
when skies are grey.
You’ll never know dear,
how much I love you.
Please don’t take my sunshine away.”
I could feel you kicking
me. Tears came streaming down my face yet again. Dad soon came in and found me
in the horrible state that I was in. I looked at him and choked out, “what are
we going to do with all of her stuff?” I became hysterical. Dad then became
hysterical with me. Neither one of us could be strong for each other at this
point. We were both so broken. We had worked so hard to make your room fit for
a princess. We had made sure you had everything you needed and more. All of our
friends and family had showered you with gifts. I had no idea what we were
going to do with it all. Dad looked at me and said, “We are going to leave it
exactly how it is. We are not going to pretend like none of this ever happened.
We are not going to pretend like Londyn didn’t exist. We are going to leave
everything right here.” We both held each other as tight as we could. We cried
as hard as our bodies would let us.
After a long time of sobbing I looked at Dad and said, “We can’t give up on
her. We have to give her every chance that we can.” We both agreed. We knew we
needed to get out of that room so we went downstairs. Not too long after, Aunt
Jewels came over with Saylor. She had called me earlier and said that she was
going to come over, but she was just waiting for Chris to come home so he could
babysit Saylor. She didn’t want to upset me by bringing over her precious baby
girl. I told her that it would not upset me at all to have Saylor there. I
insisted that she bring her. When they came in I swept up Saylor as quick as
possible. I needed a baby to hold on to. I held her as tight as I could and
savored every single “baby” part of her. I couldn’t get enough of the way she
smelled. I looked at aunt Jewels; she had tears in her eyes. I told her, “Hold
onto this angel as tight as you can.” She promised me she would. She had
brought us some delicious donuts and treats. She made me up a breakfast plate
and came and sat by me on the couch. We watched some TV and talked. My friends
Mattie and Felicia came by to visit. They both came in with tears in their
eyes. I let them know that although I was heartbroken, I was not going to give
up on you until I knew for sure that there was no chance that you would make
it. I told them that I had promised Heavenly Father that if he would let me
keep you, I would do whatever I had to for the rest of your life as long as you
could be with me. We had a great talk and it was so nice to have some company
during such a hard time. When they were getting ready to leave, Uncle Tommy and
Aunt Penney came over. Everyone wanted to make sure we were not alone and that
we were well taken care of. They did an amazing job of being there for us when
we really needed them.
I had been lying on the couch all day long. Dad came over and gave me some
medicine and told me I needed to take my blood pressure. We were both in shock
when we saw what it was. My blood pressure was 160/110. Dad started freaking
out. He said, “oh my gosh! That is not good at all. We need to go to the
hospital.” I knew he was right, but I was scared. I told him that I was fine
and it was probably just a fluke. I drank some water and tried to relax my
body. Dad told me that I needed to retake it again in five minutes and then
call Dr. Draper. When I took it again my blood pressure was 165/120. I called
Dr. Draper and told him what was happening. He told me “You need to get to a
hospital RIGHT NOW. You do not have time to wait.” I quickly went upstairs and
put my shoes on. Dad gathered up all of the things that weren’t already in our
hospital bags. I knew that I was going to be meeting you very soon. As I walked
down the stairs I told Aunt Penney and Aunt Jewels, “I think we are going to be
meeting this princess very soon.” I was so excited and so scared at the same
time.
Dad was driving as fast as he could. He was terrified. My vision started to go
blurry, I was having chest pains and I began to panic. Dad became even more
afraid as he could see that I was not doing well. He kept saying to me, “Brooke
you have to stay with me! Nothing can happen to you! Are you okay? What’s going
on?” I knew he was so upset. I tried to put on the bravest face I could. I
didn’t want him to be afraid. I was terrified that something terrible was going
to happen to me while we were driving. I did not want Dad to have to see that.
I kept wondering if we should call an ambulance but I knew that by the time
they even could meet us where we were driving we would already be close to the
hospital. I did my best to remain calm. I called both of our parents and told
them that we were on our way to the hospital. I told them that I had a strong
feeling that we would be meeting you soon. I told them I needed them to be
there as soon as I could. I know that they could hear that I was very scared. I
wasn’t sure what it would be like to have a seizure or stroke. I didn’t want to
find out. No matter what happened though, I just wanted you to be safe. I was
willing to die if you could live.
Two days
prior when Dr. Draper told me that you weren’t going to make it, he said to me,
“Brooke, I understand that in your mind Londyn absolutely comes first no matter
what, but you need to know that you come first on my list. Londyn is a close
second, but if it comes down to your life or hers, you need to know that you
come first on my list.” I didn’t like that at all. He knew how I felt. I had
told him that I would be willing to give my life in exchange for yours. I had
heard people say things like, “I would die for my child.” I always thought of
it as some kind of figure of speech but at this moment, I truly meant it in the
most literal sense possible.
We arrived
to the University of Utah Hospital at about 3:00pm. I was able to calm down
once we were at the hospital because I knew that if I had a seizure or stroke,
there would be people there to help me. Dad jumped out of the car, ran and got
me a wheel chair, and pushed me up to the maternal emergency room as fast as he
could. Dr. Draper had already warned them that we would be coming and they were
all ready for us when we arrived. They took me straight into a room and began running
test after test. They hooked you and I up to a monitor so that they could see
how we were both doing. They checked my blood pressure every minute or so. It
continued to go up. Not long after we arrived, all of your grandparents
arrived. I could tell that they were all very nervous. The doctor on call came
in to talk to us. She said that after running the tests she wasn’t sure if it
would be a good idea for me to continue with the pregnancy. At this point my
life was in danger. My blood pressures were at levels that people often have
strokes or seizures. She said they were just waiting to hear back from Dr.
Draper on what he wanted to do. I remember so vividly Dad saying to her,
“Listen, I have come to terms with the fact that I am most likely going to lose
my daughter, but I can’t lose my wife at the same time. It’s time to be done.”
Our parents agreed that it was the best thing and that we needed to keep me
safe. At this moment in time I felt a great sense of defeat. I felt like I had
failed you. I felt like I hadn’t given you every chance that you needed. It was
a terrible feeling. I was so torn. I remembered the words which I had recently
read in Elder Holland’s book and I knew that everything was going to be okay. “Yes,
there will be stress and sorrow in life, and we will not always get the answer
from Heaven we prefer, but God will always give us the answer we need, and with
it He will give both strength and spiritual solace in our times of trouble.” I
read those words to your Grandmas and let them know that I knew that Heavenly
Father was holding your hand each step of the way and that we would be okay. I
knew that he could create miracles and that if it was His will that you were to
live on this earth, you would. Dad was having a really hard time. I had never
seen him so afraid before. I could see the fear and terror in his eyes. He was
pacing and sweating. He and Grandpa Pando decided to go out in the hall for a
walk. I knew that Dad didn’t want me to see how afraid he was or stress me out
more than I was. I felt horrible for him and I didn’t know how to reassure him.
Not too
long after, the doctor on call came back in and said that Dr. Draper had called
and said that they needed to deliver you as soon as possible. She let me know
that there was a mother in the operating room, but as soon as she was out, I
would be having an emergency C-section. Things began to move very fast from
there. They brought in an anesthesiologist to put in an IV and then moved us
over to labor and delivery. As soon as we got in there they started me on a
magnesium drip to try to get my blood pressure to come down so that I would not
lose so much blood during surgery. It is the most terrible medication I have
ever been on. It felt like my entire body was on fire. I was so nauseous and my
body hurt so much. Dr. Null, your neonatologist came in the room to let us know
that he would be the one waiting for you to be passed through the window after
you were born. I was so overwhelmingly relieved to find out that he was going
to be the one there. We had already told him what we wanted if things didn’t
turn out well with you. I was so glad to not have to explain that to anyone
else. He asked us if that is still what we wanted. It was. I couldn’t believe
that we were really making that decision. I couldn’t believe that we had to
make that decision. The whole time I was pregnant with you, I never imagined
that this was the way it was all going to turn out. It never crossed my mind,
and now here I was, signing over my soul. Things became very real, very quick.
Grandpa Pando, Grandpa Erickson, and Dad gave me a blessing. I didn’t cry. I wasn’t
scared. Instead, I felt this unreasonable amount of peace come over me. I was
ready to face up to my problems no matter what they were (Dr. Suess). I
couldn’t describe how I was feeling. I knew I shouldn’t be feeling how I was,
but I was. I haven’t ever felt as
peaceful as I did in that moment. I had finally found the solace that I had
ached for for the past few weeks.
I asked
Grandpa Erickson if Dad could give you a blessing if it looked like you weren’t
going to make it (since he is the Bishop in his ward I knew he would know.) He
said that he had researched it and that if you were alive, even if it were only
for a few minutes, Dad could give you a blessing. He said that we would need to
get permission from our Bishop. I remember Dad making that very heart wrenching
call. His voice broke as he began the question to our Bishop. I remember
praying and begging that if I couldn’t keep you, that you would be able to stay
with us long enough to bless you. I continued to feel that very strange peace.
I started to get so excited. I couldn’t believe this day had come. I was
finally going to meet the angel I had carried inside of me for 8 months. The
one who I loved, with a love that I had never felt before. I didn’t know it was
possible to feel that much love for someone, let alone someone I had never laid
eyes on. Our Bishop gave us the okay.
The doctors
came in and let us know that they would be taking me into the operating room in
the next couple of minutes. Everyone came in to wish us luck and give us a hug.
I was so surprised to see your Aunts; Jade, Penney, Julie, Sandy, and Uncle
Ryan. They had all come up to be with us. They didn’t want us to have to go
through such a hard thing alone. I kissed everyone goodbye including Daddy.
They said that I would be the only one who could go in to the operating room at
first, and then Dad would join us later.
It was a very short ride
to the operating room. My body began to shake uncontrollably. I think that I
went into shock. There were about twenty doctors and nurses moving throughout
the room as fast as they could. The room was filled with an overwhelming amount
of stress. They had me get completely undressed, sit on the operating table,
and lay my upper body over a metal tray (the kind that holds all of the
operating tools.) My whole body was shaking so badly. The anesthesiologist was
getting ready to give me a spinal block. One of the nurses came over to me and
put her arm around me. She whispered, “You’re going to be okay momma.” I looked
back at her with tears filling my eyes. I replied, “You’re right. I am going to
be okay. I just don’t know what that okay will be. I don’t know if I am going
to be holding my angel and kissing her goodbye or keeping her.” Right then, I felt
the needle go into my lower back. It wasn’t nearly as painful as I had imagined
(maybe because I had been through more pain than I ever had thought possible in
the past two days.) The anesthesiologist had me lay down. She began at my feet
and moved up my whole body asking if I could feel any of my body parts up to my
neck. I couldn’t, and like that, they began cutting in to me.
They had only been going
for about two or three minutes when Dad got to come in. He sat at my head and
held my hand. I wasn’t feeling very good. I was still very shaky and having
them cut into me was the weirdest feeling I have ever felt. I didn’t like it at
all. I mostly hated that I could feel my body being yanked and pulled but I
really couldn’t FEEL it. It’s the kind of feeling you get after you go to the
dentist and your cheeks are numb but you can still feel it. I don’t know how to
describe it, but I didn’t like it at all. One thing I definitely felt was the
doctors pulling my body parts out. It made me physically ill. I knew I was
going to throw up. They asked Dad if he wanted to watch them pull you out. He
wanted nothing to do with that (your Dad isn’t much of a blood and guts kind of
guy and I don’t blame him.) We heard the doctor say, “I have a bum, I have two
feet, I have two arms” and that was it. Dad and I became very nervous because
we hadn’t heard you cry. I wasn’t sure what to think. We began waiting. Each
second that passed we kept waiting for them to hand you to us. A nurse came
over and said, “Okay guys, she was born at 7:05pm. The doctors are working on
her right now. It was so adorable when the doctors pulled her out, she opened
up her eyes and looked right at us.” My heart was bursting with pride. I
couldn’t believe you were actually here. Each second that went by, Dad and I
became more and more hopeful and excited. We had been praying all along that
they would not pass you back to us (that meant that everything was going well
and that you were showing signs of surviving). A nurse came in and asked Daddy
if he wanted to come see you. What!?! Someone was allowed to see you!? I
couldn’t believe it. I was so happy. I told Dad to go as fast as he could and
see you. Part of me was sad. I was sad I couldn’t see you, and was scared that
I might miss the time that you were going to live, but the other part of me
needed Dad to be with you.
A few minutes later Dad
came bursting through the O.R. doors yelling, “She’s breathing on her own! She’s
crying! She’s sucking on a binky!! She is so beautiful Brooke. You are going to
be so in love with her.” Breathing on her own!?!?! Crying!?! Sucking on a
binky!?! I could not believe it. How could this be? You were surviving on your
own without any help. This was exactly what the doctors had told us was the
impossible. They told us if you were to live, you would need to be on a
ventilator. My whole body was aching to see you so bad. I wanted them to give
you to me. I wanted to hold you and feel you on my chest. I told Dad that he
needed to run and tell our parents the incredible news. He came back very
quickly only to find me in a terrible state. I had a horrible pain up in my
collar bone and down through my right arm and I began throwing up every couple
of seconds. Because I was lying on my back on the operating table, it was not
easy for me to throw up. I was a mess. The nurses kept trying to wipe of my
face and suction out my mouth, but I would just make a mess again. Dad began
holding the tray for me to throw up into. He was so sweet. The nurse explained
to him that because my blood pressure was so high, and then they had put me on
the magnesium drip, my blood pressure would sky rocket, and then completely
drop, which is why I was so sick. Every time the doctors would yank on my
stomach or mess with my insides, I would instantly throw up again. I just
wanted them to be done. For some reason, my uterus would not contract so the
doctors had to give me a shot that would help it contract. They also had a
really hard time getting me sewn back together. They said I didn’t have enough
skin to pull it all back together. Needless to say, it took the doctors a
really long time to get me all put back together, and I was not a patient girl.
I’m sure it felt like even longer because I just wanted to see you. I kept
hoping that they were going to bring you in to me.
They finally took me back to my room where your grandparents were waiting for
us. They all said that I looked like I had lost a lot of blood and I was very
green. According to the nurses, I had lost a lot of blood because of my blood
pressure and I had just been throwing up for about twenty minutes straight so
it definitely made sense ;). Not too long after, our family got to go back and
see you! Our precious little miracle baby. What!?! I know you are thinking the
same thing as me right? They all got to meet you before momma!?!?! I know,
awful right ;) I cannot even tell you the jealousy that was running through my
body as each one of them would come in and tell me how beautiful you were. The
doctors wouldn’t let me go anywhere for a few hours since I was on the
magnesium drip. They had to keep me very closely monitored. I was feeling
pretty awful and I was STARVING. I wasn’t allowed to eat anything besides ice
chips, but I’ll tell you what, ice chips have never tasted so divine. Your sweet
Grandpas were so amazing to stay with me and feed me ice chips. I was really
happy that they were all able to see you and spend time with you; I was just
aching so badly to see you myself. It was getting late and everyone decided it
was time to go. I was still stuck in that dreaded labor and delivery room… I
know, poor me. Alas, the nurses FINALLY came in and said that they would be
moving me to my long-term room and that on the way there, they were going to
take me to meet you! They couldn’t have taken me there fast enough. I had
waited for this moment for 8 months. I had imagined in my head what it would be
like. It wasn’t going to be anything I had imagined. My situation wasn’t
anything I could have ever planned for, but I will tell you this with full
confidence, I don’t think there was any momma in the hospital that night that
appreciated her baby the way I did. It was truly a miracle that you were with
us.
The nurse rolled me into a quiet, dark, very sacred room. I looked over, and
there you were; the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes. With tears
streaming down my face I choked out, “Hey baby.” You instantly turned your head
and locked eyes with me. It was like we had known each other forever. Your
nurse scooped you up and set you right on my chest. It was by far the best
feeling in the whole world. I couldn’t believe how perfect you were. You were absolutely
beautiful. You had dark brown curly hair, the cutest little nose, and the most
beautiful lips I have ever seen. I couldn’t believe you were mine. I couldn’t
believe you had just come from my belly. I couldn’t believe you were really
here. It was all so surreal. I laid there in silence with you on my chest. We
were both just staring into each other’s eyes, memorizing each other’s faces. I
could have stayed there forever. I sang you “You Are My Sunshine” as I always
had, and played you a song I had been waiting to play for you for months. I
have never savored a moment the way I did that night. I held you tighter than
anything I had ever held. I told you how proud I was of you for being so strong
and fighting as hard as you did. You proved everyone wrong. Heavenly Father was
with you each step of the way, and seeing you that night, I had never known
more in my life that God is real, that He loves us, and that he is a God of
Miracles. You were the greatest miracle I have ever seen, and I was there to
watch it front and center. I was so privileged to be a part of the most beautiful
thing I have ever witnessed.
I made sure to send a picture to all of our family members to brag that
although they all got to see you before me; I was the first one to hold you ;).
The nurses had to drag me out of the room (otherwise I would have never left.)
They took Dad and I back to our long-term room. I was so exhausted and felt
terrible. I had forgotten how awful I was feeling while I was with you. I
begged the nurses for some food. They let me eat some crackers and juice. It
tasted so good. I was so tired and wanted so badly to sleep, but the nurses had
to come in every 15 minutes and kneed my stomach. It was torturous. They then
had me start pumping which was also incredibly painful. I realized at that
point that we were not going to be getting any rest that night. Although I was
exhausted, I felt okay about staying up all night, because on that night,
reality was WAY better than my dreams.
On the night you were born,
The moon smiled with such wonder
That the stars peeked in to see you
And the night wind whispered,
“Life will never be the same.”
Because there had never been anyone like you…. Ever in the world.
Heaven blew every trumpet
And played every horn
On the wonderful, marvelous
Night you were born.
Londyn McCall Pando
Born: 02/17/2013
Time: 7:05pm
Weight: 4lbs 15oz
Length: 19in
"Her first breath took ours away"
