A Change of Heart

The next morning I remember waking up so shocked that I had actually fallen asleep for a little bit. We both woke up very early since the nurses kept coming in to monitor me. Blake forced me to order breakfast even though I wanted nothing to do with it (what a good husband).  My phone vibrated. It was a reminder alarm to remind me about the baby shower I was supposed to attend that afternoon in my honor. My heart sank and my stomach dropped. My shoulders felt so heavy. My entire body felt heavy. I felt like I had been carrying so much weight for a really long time. I knew I wouldn’t be making it to the shower. There is no way I could go and put on a happy face.  I didn’t want to go. I no longer needed to. I would no longer be needing any more diapers or adorable girl clothes or blankets, or accessories. It hurt so bad. My mom let me know that she had taken care of everything and let everyone know that I would not make it to the shower. That was a big relief. Soon after, messages began flooding in from people who were going to be at the shower. They all told me how sorry they were and they let me know that they would be praying for our family. That meant so much to me. I knew we needed the prayers and thoughts now more than ever.

                Blake and I soon realized that we could not allow ourselves to be in the horribly loud silence. We had to have some noise to distract us so we turned on the TV to find some early Saturday morning television (you all know how awful it is. It’s mostly infomercials). We ended up finding Planet of the Apes. It seemed to be the longest movie ever (probably because it is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.) Every few minutes I would break into sobs again. Each time Blake would hold me and tell me not to cry. I was in so much pain. I felt like I was going to explode from trying to keep all of my tears and heart ache in. I felt like a train wreck. I told Blake that I needed to get out of that room and go somewhere. I wanted to go walk around the hospital. He agreed and we began our walk. There was no one in the hospital. It was so desolate. I was grateful since I looked like I had just been hit by a bus and then backed over twice. Not too long into our walk, we came to a chapel. Everything inside of me told me that I absolutely NEEDED to be in that chapel. I told Blake I wanted to go in. I went in and sat down. The room was silent and dark. There were fresh flowers sitting up on a table. I knew my body was about to unleash every emotion that I had been keeping inside of me. I told Blake that I really wanted to be alone. He said, “Absolutely not. You are not going to be alone right now.” I begged him. He continued the same argument. I said, “I promise you I am okay, but I REALLY need to be alone right now. Please just give me some time.”  I told him to go down to our car and get our bags and then come back up and get me. He very hesitantly agreed. He kept asking me if I was sure. I definitely was.

                When he left the room, my body instantly let go of everything that I had been holding in for the past day. I cried in a way that I have never cried before. I didn’t know it was possible for those sounds to come from my body. I remember thinking that I had no idea that I could hurt the way that I was. It didn’t seem humanly possible. I knew that there was only one way for me to find any kind of relief from the pain that I was carrying. I knelt down on the floor over one of the chairs in the chapel and prayed in a way I never had before. I was talking out loud like He was in the room with me; like He was sitting right next to me. I had never been as close to God as I was at that moment. It will forever be the most sacred prayer that I have ever said in my life. I told Him that my heart was completely shattered, that I was in an unbearable pain, and that I needed Him to take some of the pain away from me. It had become more than I could bear. In that prayer, I also made a promise to Him. I promised that if He would allow me to keep Londyn, that I would be willing to do whatever I had to do throughout her life, as long as I could keep her. I would endure any trials that He put in front of me, as long as she could be with me.

                After pouring out my heart, I went over and sat down in some chairs that were in the front of the room. There was a hymn book on one of the chairs. I opened it up and found one of the many tender mercies that he had sent me. I found a hymn that had never meant much to me before. I always thought that it was a pretty song, but it had never been one of the hymns I would have thought of to help me through what I was going through. He couldn’t have spoken the words more clearly to my soul.

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;

With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In every change he faithful will remain.

Be still my soul: Thy best, thy heavenly Friend

Thru thorny ways, leads to a joyful end.

                I sat for a while and felt my body change as the pain became bearable again. I knew I was not going to walk this path alone. I knew he had heard my pleas and that he had answered them. I also knew that this was not in my hands. There were only two people who knew what the turnout would be, and that was Londyn and God.

I finally got up and went back to my room. Blake was not far behind me. I was ready to go. I just wanted to get out of that hospital. It had been my home away from home for the past two weeks and it was getting really old, really quick. My nurse came in and told me that my tests had come back and that I definitely had pre-eclampsia, but that my doctor wanted me to see if I could still go longer. She told me that I could go home. It was such a relief. I just wanted to be in my own house, in my own bed, and not be bothered every 5 minutes by some new test. She told me they would just be getting my discharge papers and then I could go. I got dressed and pulled my hair back, and then waited…. And waited…. And waited……….. After 3 hours Blake and I were getting pretty upset. We finally called the nurse in and asked what was taking so long. My guess is they just forgot, because soon after we had the discharge papers. When we got home, Blake and I both went straight to our bed. We were exhausted. We laid down, and it couldn’t have taken us more than two minutes until we were out cold.

                I woke up to Londyn kicking me. I remember feeling something very different from what I had felt the past couple of days. The first thought that came to my mind (I kid you not) was, “What in the hell am I doing!?” It was like I had this crazy epiphany. I sat there and thought, “Here I am mourning the loss of my precious angel when she is still alive! What is wrong with me!?! How terrible of me! How terrible to Londyn! I am supposed to be her biggest fan and I have already given up on her. What is wrong with you?” I then heard a knock at my door. It was my sister Penney. Of course it was. She had come to be with us so that we would not have to be alone during this time. I couldn’t have been more grateful to her. We sat down on the couch and started talking. She told me that my mom was having a very hard time trying to deal with everything. She said that my mom was feeling completely helpless because she saw her baby going through an extreme amount of pain, and there was absolutely nothing she could do about it. I knew that I needed to call her right away. I went up and woke up Blake and told him to go visit with my sister and then I called my mom.

                I remember I was sitting in Londyn’s room in her rocking chair when I heard my mom’s shaky voice. I could tell that she had been crying. I could hear the weakness and defeat in her voice. I said to her, “Mom, I need you to listen to me. WE ARE NOT GIVING UP ON LONDYN. She is alive and breathing and we are going to celebrate her. We are not going to mourn her loss while she is still with us. If the doctors say that there is only a 1% chance that she has to live, then that is what we are going to hang on to. WE ARE NOT GIVING UP ON LONDYN.” I could tell that her demeanor had changed and that she was ready to be on board with me.  She told me that she was going to get some for us and that she would be over soon.

                Family members continued to flood in to be with us. They brought treats and pizza and we all just enjoyed our time together. I made sure to tell each one of them that we were not going to lose our faith and that we were going to give Londyn every chance possible. I knew she was a fighter from the time I saw her at her 20 week ultrasound and if she was anything like her momma, she was bound to be stubborn and determined. Who cares what the doctors say? They don’t know everything.

                We were sad when everyone had to go. We knew that the silence would be our worst enemy again. I wished that everyone could sleep over, but I knew that they all had lives too.  I was just so grateful for the time that they had spent with us.