Going back to where it all began….

This post has taken me months to write. Every time that I try to get started I feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed because there is so much detail. Overwhelmed because there is so much to tell, and completely and totally overwhelmed with emotion. It seems that every time I let my heart go back to those weeks in January and February, the same pain and anguish I felt floods back over me and I instantly shut down. I stop writing and delete everything because I’m not ready to feel all of that again. It has hurt far too much to go back.

But, these past couple of weeks I have had a change in mind set. I have realized that I need to feel those raw emotions. I need to grieve, and I need to be able to let go of some of that pain that I keep tucked very deep in a dark corner of my very tender, very breakable heart.  I’m ready to feel now…

January 21: The day it all went wrong.

I had been feeling like something was wrong with my pregnancy but I wasn’t sure what. I had told my mom, sisters and Blake that something just didn’t feel right. They all offered me some very sincere reassurance that everything would be okay and I appreciated that, but still knew that something was wrong. On January 21 I went in to see my doctor. I told him about the worry and concern that I had been feeling. He measured my belly and said that I seemed to be measuring small so he wanted me to go to down and have an ultrasound. Everything was fine with Londyn, but the ultrasound showed that I was low on amniotic fluid. When we discussed this with my doctor he said that this was very worry some and that I needed to be on bed rest. He told me I needed to spend much of my day on my left side in order to preserve the fluid that I had left. He warned me that he would be looking at delivering Londyn within a week or two but he wanted me to make it as long as I could. He had me get steroid shots so that her lungs would develop more quickly. I was so scared. I did not want my baby to be born 8 weeks early. I did not want a NICU baby so I was very obedient to him. I immediately began working from home. I drank a ton of water each day. I laid on my left side pretty much all day long, every day.

January 28:

I went back to see my doctor and have another ultrasound. The ultrasound showed that my fluid levels had dropped but everything was fine with Londyn. He also did a stress test on Londyn to see how she was handling the change in environment. We had a hard time getting her to move so he sent me down for another ultrasound. The ultrasound tech couldn’t get her to move either and she was going to give us a failing grade on the stress test but luckily Londyn got the hiccups so she passed us. At this point my doctor decided that it was probably better for us to go ahead and deliver Londyn since my fluid was so low but before he did so, he wanted me to meet with a parenatologist from the University of Utah so that he could tell him whether he was making the right decision or not.

Wednesday, January 30:

Just writing this date made me tear up. This was the hardest day of my life up to that point in my life. It hurts me so much to continue writing right now, but I am going to push through it. Blake and I met with Dr. Michael Draper at 7:45am at Jordan Valley Hospital. An ultrasound tech came in and did another ultrasound and then he came in the room. He came in and introduced himself and then proceeded to ask me about my family’s history with cancer and bleeding disorders. I wasn’t sure why he was asking me these questions but I tried to tell myself that it must just be routine. He then said, “I know that you are here because of low fluid, but you have a much bigger problem on your hands.” He then proceeded to pull up the images of Londyn’s brain. He said, “Londyn’s brain is either bleeding or she has a brain tumor…” I know he kept talking after that, but as to what he said, I’m not sure. I know that I kept looking at him and nodding my head like I knew exactly what he was saying. I think that he could see that I most definitely had not processed a word that he said. He told us that he was going to leave us alone in the room for a few minutes and then he would be back in. As he left the room, I continued to stare at the horrible image that he had left on the screen. My incredible husband then stood up and put his arms around me and whispered “Everything is going to be okay.” It was at that point that I lost it. I began uncontrollably sobbing; the kind where your shoulders and back are bouncing and the kind where you can hardly catch a breath. Soon after, Dr. Draper came back in and told us that we needed to meet him at the University of Utah at 1:00pm for more testing so that we could find out exactly what was wrong. Blake had to basically carry me out of the office. I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t talk. I could hardly move. I continued an out-loud hysterical sob as we tried to make our way out of the hospital. I tried to control myself and I couldn’t. We found some bathrooms and I told Blake that I needed to go in. I need to scream. I needed to be alone. I went in and wiped my face and grabbed as much tissue as I could find and went back out to find one of the most terrible images I have ever seen. Every time I think of it, my heart feels excruciating pain. It was the image of my precious husband doubled over in the corner of the entrance of the hospital. He was doing the same hysterical, out-loud cry as I was. I had never in my life seen my husband in this much pain and I had never imagined that I would. I wanted to remove every ounce of pain that he was feeling and take it all upon myself. I went over and picked him up and we somehow made it to a nearby bench. We held onto each other as tight as we possibly could and cried as hard as our bodies would let us. After sobbing for I don’t know how long Blake turned to me and said, “We just have to have faith. We can’t stop having faith.” I will never forget those words. For me, they were a major turning point and I am forever grateful to my sweet husband for giving me those words to cling to.

We finally found the courage to get up and leave the hospital. We walked out still holding tight to one another. I needed Blake to hold onto in order for me to be able to move. So much of me wanted to just sit there and not move. I wanted to wake up from the dream I was having. I knew this had to be some kind of horrible nightmare that I was having. How could everything be fine with my baby two days ago and now everything is completely wrong? What happened? Blake decided to drive directly to my parent’s house. He knew I needed my mom. We both sobbed the entire way there. I wanted to call my mom and warn her that we were coming but I couldn’t speak. I literally could not. Blake called his Dad on the way to my moms and was able to choke out that we needed his parents. They immediately left work and were on their way to hold us.

When we got to my parents, the pain I was feeling somehow became so much stronger. It was so much more intense when I realized that I had to tell someone else the horrific news that we had just been bombarded with. We walked into their house and found my mom. We were both sobbing uncontrollably and she knew something was terribly wrong but neither of us were able to choke out a single word. She just held us both and let us cry until we were able to say something. She immediately went and got my dad and told him he needed to come down and be with us. We were finally able to get some control over ourselves and tell them what the doctor had told us. They were both in shock. Everything had been fine. How did it all of the sudden go so wrong? We waited for Blake’s mom and dad to arrive and my parents were able to fill them in on what had happened. We then had our Dad’s give us a priesthood blessing which was the next major turning point for me and for Londyn’s future. In the blessing that my dad gave me, Londyn and I were promised that we would be made whole and that we would be healed. I have clung to those sacred words more than anything else in my life. They changed me. They changed my daughter. I know that with all of my heart.

We only had to wait about 3 hours until our appointment at the University, but they were the longest three hours of my life. Time has never drug on the way it did that day. I have never been so nervous. I felt as though I would throw up at any second. Blake and I rode with my mom up to the hospital. On the way there, she coxed us into stopping for some food. It seemed to be the last thing on our mind and she knew that we needed to be forced to eat. Neither of us could hardly put any of it down. Our bodies were in too much pain to eat. It made us feel worse.

When we got to the doctors office they were already ready for us. They knew who we were and they knew why we were there. I was so impressed with Dr. Draper that he would fit us in to his incredibly busy schedule and that he had warned his office that we would be coming. We did not wait long before they took Blake and I back for the most in depth ultra sound possible. They went over each and every inch of Londyn’s body multiple times. They especially focused on her heart and brain. It was so in depth that they had two ultra sound techs do an ultrasound as well as the radiologist. By the time we were done with ultrasounds, two and a half hours had passed. Blake and I didn’t dare speak. We didn’t know what to say. People kept talking in code about our baby and that really upset us. It was like everyone knew this big secret that we didn’t. It hurt. I wanted to know what they were talking about. It was excruciating sitting in that small room waiting to speak with our doctor. We called our parents in to come and be with us in that tiny room and soon after my doctor came in and told us he wanted to talk to us in the conference room.

Have you ever seen one of the movies where someone is really ill and they take that person into a conference room to let them know what horrible news they have for them? This was our reality. I couldn’t believe it. I think I actually said, “That room isn’t for me. I’m not supposed to be in that room. That is the room for the people in the movies.” We sat down with Dr. Draper. He said, “After looking through the ultrasounds we can see that Londyn has had a brain bleed (a stroke) and from your past ultrasounds I can see that it has started in the last 48 hours.” At this moment I was so thankful that we had our parents with us. I knew I was going to need them so that we would know what else the doctor had said. My mind would fade in and out. I couldn’t process things fast enough. He just kept talking and I was still stuck at “Londyn’s brain is bleeding.” He then told us that we had a 50/50 chance of Londyn being completely fine with no problems, to her being totally handicapped and mentally retarded. Of course there were a lot of in-betweens such as cerebral palsy or learning disabilities. He wanted us to immediately begin testing to determine the cause for her bleed and he also wanted to see if my water sack had broken. If it had, I would be hospitalized that night and he would deliver Londyn within two weeks. He then introduced me to my new team of doctors who would be seeing me through the rest of my pregnancy and then did some more tests. He was able to see that my water sack was still intact and that was not the problem for my loss of fluid. This was a huge relief. This meant I could go home and that I could continue the pregnancy longer. We were finally able to leave the hospital at about 7:30pm (we had been there for 6 hours and our first appointment had started at 7:45am.) My mom stopped and got us some food. Blake and I were so exhausted. We filled all of our family in on what had happened at the doctor and then went home.

We both just fell onto the couch and laid there with each other. Neither of us had much to say. We were too mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. The whole day we had had a difficult time getting Londyn to move and that was stressing me out a lot. I told Blake that it was really worrying me that she wouldn’t move. He then laid his head on my belly and began singing to his precious baby. Right away she began moving like crazy. I laid there as tears streamed down my face while I listened and watched this very tender moment with the two people that I love and adore the most. It meant so much to me to see Blake interact with Londyn that way. I felt so much love for him at that moment. Although we were so tired we had a hard time sleeping. Our minds were just racing and our hearts were so full of emotion. My stomach was so tangled in knots that it hurt to lay down (besides already being super uncomfortable because of pregnancy). At some point though, both of us were able to fall asleep and get some rest.

The next morning we woke up early, feeling awful. We realized that the terrible pain we were feeling wasn't a dream. It was our new reality and we had to somehow, someway, come to accept that and learn to deal with it. At first we both said that we were going to call in sick to work and just take a day to be very very sad and mourn. After about ten minutes, we realized that it was terrible sitting in a quiet house and letting our imaginations take us to some very dark places. We both looked at each other and said, “We’ve gotta get out of here.” We both got dressed and ready and went to work. People were shocked to see us there but understood why we would want to be there. I received lots of phone calls that day. Each time I had to talk about our situation again it was like another knife to my heart. The pain was intense. I just couldn’t believe I was really in this place. How was everything just fine one second and the next it was horribly wrong? I then looked at my wall at my desk. I had hung up a quote from my hero, Jeffrey R Holland months before this had ever happened. The words were perfect. They spoke straight to my soul in a way they never had before. At that moment, I knew everything would be okay and I was able to find the strength I needed to go on with that hour, that day, and my life.

“Only God knows how it all turns out, and for those who belong to Him, it turns out well.”

                                                                                                                     -Jeffrey R Holland