You never know how truly strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have

The next week of my life was spent trying to come to terms with my new reality. Although I knew that things could be difficult, I was bound and determined to not lose an ounce of my faith. I knew that I needed to have faith for Londyn. I knew that it was my job to protect her and to have strength enough for her to overcome this terrible insult that her brain had received. She needed to be strong and heal from this massive stroke. I reminded her every hour of every day that she needed to be strong for mommy and that she needed to get better. I told her that I would do whatever it took to help her and that I would love her no matter what the turn out was. I knew it was in God’s hands now. It was a very helpless feeling and it was so hard for me to bear, yet I knew that everything would be okay because He was watching over her and taking care of her. He had seen us through each and every step of the pregnancy. Had it not been for Him, we probably would have never found the bleed in the first place and then she would not have stood a chance at survival. The doctors also determined that Londyn was breech (which is usually a bad thing) but they were so happy that she was, because it was helping to preserve her brain and not damage it worse. Had she been head down, there would have been more pressure on her brain causing more damage. I also sometimes wonder if my fluid was low so that she would not be able to turn head down. All of these blessings gave me great comfort and I knew that Londyn was in good hands.

                I began reading Jeffrey R Holland’s book: For Times of Trouble, which I highly recommend to everyone. It truly got me through some of the darkest days of my life. Every day that I would read it, it was like another tender mercy. I would read the perfect thing that I needed to hear at that moment and it gave me the peace and strength that I needed to get through each day.

                I spent almost every day or every other day up at the University of Utah hospital doing ultrasounds, blood tests, stress tests, this test, that test, and then some. Blake would spend every moment that he could with me, (all along keeping up with two jobs and 17 credit hours of school… yeah… he is the most amazing husband in this world) but most of my time was spent with my incredible mother. She would take me to my appointments, come and keep me company at home, (so I wouldn’t have to be alone during such a hard time.) She would clean my house, make us dinner, and mostly just be there for me when I needed her the most. It meant so much to me. I knew that she had so many things that she needed to do, but she dropped everything for me and got me through an incredibly difficult time. At one of my daily appointments, my doctor discovered that my blood pressure had spiked. I was also having bad headaches. He began to become very concerned for me and said that I had pre-eclampsia. I had to be watched very closely because pre-eclampsia can be life threatening for a mother and her baby. A blood pressure monitor became my best friend.

                On Friday, February 8, I ended up in the emergency room at the U of U. It seemed that Londyn was having seizures. I had felt two different episodes that felt like she was having a seizure and I was completely panicked. The worst thing was that they couldn’t do anything for her. Even if she was having seizures, there was nothing they could do. I felt so completely helpless and terrified. They talked about delivering Londyn that night. They put Londyn and I on a stress monitor. We also did another very long ultrasound. The ultrasound tech was having a very hard time getting Londyn to move, but after talking with my doctor, they decided that they wanted me to keep going with the pregnancy in order to give Londyn the best chance possible. After reviewing the results from the monitor they had us on, my doctor was more concerned about my blood pressure because it seemed to be even higher than before. He called me at home late that night and told me that he wanted me to go to a local pharmacy the next day, take my blood pressure, and then call him and tell him what it was.

                The next morning, Blake drove me to the pharmacy. My Blood Pressure was around 160/96. I called me doctor and told him. He basically said, “Get home, get in bed, do not get up unless it’s to go to the bathroom, and if you have a headache that won’t go away with Tylenol, get to the ER.” I knew that this was a big deal. My doctor was so easy going and didn’t really make a huge deal out of things unless he was serious, so I took his orders. I was pretty bummed but I was willing to do whatever I had to in order to give my angel the best chance possible. My family and Blake’s family were so supportive during this difficult time. They were so good to come and visit and bring treats. It helped keep me from going crazy. Blake was so good to help me out whenever he could. He doted on me hand and foot.  Although I was going crazy with all the time I now had on my hands to let my imagination run wild, everyone was so good to pitch in and be there whenever they could. They helped keep my mind off of the “what ifs” and the “what if nots”.

Thursday, February 14 (Love Day)

               

                 I was feeling a little down since it was Valentine’s Day and Blake and I weren’t going to get to do anything. My mom had taken me earlier in the week and got a few things for him so I wouldn’t be the worst wife in the world. ;) That morning I took my blood pressure and it was again very high. I was feeling very nervous and shaky and I had a really bad headache. I wasn’t sure what to do and I was very scared. I had just said a prayer to ask Heavenly Father to help me when I heard someone in my house. I was really scared at first, but then I heard a voice. It was my mom. She said, “Honey, its mom.” I cannot tell you the love and peace that I felt at that moment. I could not believe how my prayer had been answered.  I told my mom that I had prayed for some help and there she was. I got in the tub to try and calm down and then my mom rubbed some lavender oil on my feet to help soothe me. My blood pressure came down and I was feeling better. I told my mom that she should go. I didn’t want her to spend her Valentines taking care of me. She needed to be with my Dad. She had spent so much of her time right by my side. A sweet lady in my ward had offered to bring me dinner that night so I knew I would be just fine. My mom went to dinner with my dad and I guess the whole time she was feeling anxious about if I was okay or not. Blake had school that night and wouldn’t be home til around 9. She tried to call me about seven or eight times and never was able to reach me. She tried to call Blake to see if he was home but he was still at school. She said she went in to panic mode. She was terrified that something awful had happened to me. She rushed over to my house only to determine that my phone just hadn’t been ringing. I was fine. I had been keeping myself entertained with episode after episode of “One Tree Hill”. She stayed with me until Blake got home and then she left us for our “Valentines Date”. Our plan was to watch a movie and eat the food that our gracious neighbor had prepared. Before we started the movie Blake wanted me to take my blood pressure.  It was at an all new high. I called my doctor and told him what it was. He told me that I needed to go to the ER. Out the door we went, to our home away from home, to spend an unforgettable Valentines together. When we got there, they put me back on the monitor. This time was different than the others though. They weren’t letting me go home. They wanted me to stay the night. They hooked me up to an IV and began giving me fluid. They wanted to do a 24 hour urine sample to test and see if there was protein in my urine and how much there was. This could tell them what stage of pre-eclampsia I was in and whether or not they needed to deliver Londyn right away. We tried to get as comfortable as possible and spent the night there.

Friday, February 15: The Worst Day of My Existence.     

Early the next morning, Blake had to head to school. He had a test and was going off of little to no sleep. I was then moved from labor and delivery to the Women’s area of the hospital. They told me that I would be going to have another ultrasound to check my fluid levels and to see how Londyn was doing. This was the first time I had ever had an ultrasound by myself and it felt a little strange. It was weird to be at the hospital by myself, but I wanted to be a big girl and I didn’t want to burden anyone. Everyone had spent so much time away from home taking care of me that I didn’t want them to have to come. When my mom asked if she should come up, I told her I would be fine and that I would probably be going home soon anyway, so not to worry. I was in good hands. The ultrasound went well in my eyes. Everything looked about the same as it had in the last million ultrasounds (okay that’s an exaggeration but it sure felt that way) plus I got to see a front shot of my adorable angels face. I had never seen such a great picture of her face. I instantly fell so much more madly in love with her than I ever had before. She was so cute and she was mine. I couldn’t believe how much I loved her. I sat for the longest time just staring at that beautiful baby. Shortly after my ultrasound, my doctor came to see me with another doctor at his side. He asked me where Blake was. I explained to him that he was at school and that he had a test that he needed to be there for, but that he would probably be back in a few hours. He said, “I need to talk to you both. You have some decisions that you need to make.” I wasn’t sure what he meant and I felt too paralyzed to ask. I was so confused and caught off guard that I didn’t ask what he meant by that. I said, “Okay, when would you like him to come?” He replied, “If he can be here within ten minutes that would be best.” He told me to call him right away when Blake got there and that he would be back to talk to us. I was sick. I didn’t know what to think. I called Blake and tried to sound strong. I didn’t want to scare him, but I told him that Dr. Draper wanted him to get there as soon as he could. He left school right away and came to be with me. We sat and waited for him to come back. I had the most terrible knots in my stomach, a softball in my throat, and an unbelievable tension throughout my body. I didn’t know what was coming for me next. I could have never braced myself for what was about to hit me.