Catching up with Londyn

           It's been a minute since I have updated everyone with Londyn and a lot has happened. This last week has been so crazy. Actually this past month has been such a roller coaster. I tell myself everyday that I need some serious anxiety medication. This girl is putting us through quite the emotional roller coaster, but we are so grateful that we are on this ride. I often remind myself that I could be on a completely different ride without her... That keeps me grateful and keeps me going. Unfortunately this last week one of our biggest fears came to pass... Londyn got an NG tube (feeding tube in her nose) placed on Tuesday night. It was horrific. I have struggled through surgeries, IV's, blood draws, and many other medical procedures, but none hit me quite as hard as this. The high pitched, painful screams  coming from my precious innocent baby left me buckled over the toilet with my body trying to rid the horrific pain I was in for her. My body shook uncontrollably and I sobbed as I listened to what she was going through. My incredible mother-in-law held my hair and rubbed my back as I was folded over the toilet, and my father-in-law held me as tight as he could to stop my body from shaking horribly. It was awful. I was so thankful they were there to offer their support. I could only imagine how betrayed Londyn probably felt as we sat there letting her go through that. Last Sunday night, Londyn decided she was not going to eat anymore. We had no clue why, but her doctors had warned us that if this were to become the case, we would have no choice but to place a feeding tube. We were so bummed, but in the end, it IS what is best for her. She will be able to become stronger and have more energy. It will help her keep up with her grueling therapy schedule. We ask a lot of her each and every day. She already uses so much energy just trying to heal her body, the doctors wondered if she was just flat out exhausted. Which brings me to the next new thing...
           We are really ramping up her therapy. Physical therapy is going to be coming three times a week, occupational therapy will come three times a week, and early intervention will either come once a week or every other week. This doesn't include any of her specialists that she sees or her visits to the pediatrician (usually twice a week). She also has to do therapy multiple times a day with me. Needless to say, our life is totally and completely centered around that beautiful angel. We wouldn't have it any other way. She works so hard. I am so proud of her. Even with all that we put her through, she is the happiest baby I have ever known. She never cries unless something is wrong. She will just play all day and keep herself entertained. Her pediatrician actually said to me, "In all of my years of practice, of all of the babies I have ever met, I have never met a happier baby than Londyn." That meant so much to me. She has every reason to be so cranky, but she's not. She is truly an angel.
           She is definitely NOT loving the tube. Can you blame her? She has now got it out four times (two times she worked it up with her tongue and then she sneezed and it came right out. The other two times she yanked it out.) Thankfully we have Uncle Bryce. He has rescued us and helped us get it back in. Tonight, I actually placed it all by myself! I had Uncle Bryce right by my side to direct me, but I did it! I was so proud of myself. It is so tough to do. Mostly emotionally, but its also tricky. It is so hard to watch people hold your baby down while she cries, and then watch her throw up because you are sticking a stupid tube down her throat. :,( This mom business is tough. Londyn will likely have a G tube (a surgically placed feeding tube) placed within the next month or so. She will probably have that for about 6 months or until we can get her beefed up some more. Which leads me to the next thing...
         Her GI doctor sent her to have an upper GI scan done. For the scan they had her drink barium while they watched with an Xray machine. This was so that they could make sure that all of her anatomy is formed correctly before they place a G tube. They don't want to mask a problem so we need to check all of these things first. We were able to see that her anatomy is fine and everything went down correctly but as we watched for a few minutes, all of the sudden the barium shot back up into her esophagus. Poor thing. That could explain a lot. She has a pretty severe case of reflux which burns her esophagus. No wonder she doesn't want to eat huh? We are going to put her on a few medications to block the acid. They can't prevent her from refluxing but they can at least help it to not burn.
       We also got her helmet ordered last week. I am super nervous to see how it goes. The poor girl is going to have a feeding tube AND a helmet! I have a feeling its going to be a rough couple of weeks while she gets use to it... It breaks my heart, but when I think about her having the helmet in comparison to her having a full cranial reconstruction, I feel much better. We can do it. We can do hard things. The doctors say she will probably have the helmet for about 3-6 months. If we can catch her in a growth spurt she may only have to wear it 3 months. It just depends how she grows (in this case, the feeding tube is a definite blessing.)
        Londyn's occupational therapist was so impressed with her that she called her pediatrician to tell him how remarkably well she was doing. She is so excited to work with Londyn and help her on this road to healing. I should actually say that ALL of her doctors are incredibly impressed with her. They cannot believe the things she is doing. She is SO smart. The other day we went to see her pediatrician. While we were there he went over to the bed she was on to have a little heart to heart with her. He said, "Londyn, you have been spending a lot of energy on your length and healing your brain and that is great. That makes me really happy, but I need you to start putting some of that energy towards your weight okay? Do we have a deal?" She instantly shakes her head back and forth at him to say "NOPE! NO DEAL!" It was hilarious. We were dying. Such a smart kid! She cracks me up every day.
       We are so grateful for all of your love and support. It means so much to us and keeps us going. This is definitely not an easy task. It takes a lot of time and a lot of support. We couldn't do it without our friends and family. We are so grateful to each and every one of you. Please keep praying for Londyn. She needs all the good vibes and energy you can send her way. WE LOVE YOU ALL.

IT'S A MIRACLE!!

As I write this post, tears are streaming down my face, my heart is exploding, my shoulders feel as though the 10,000 lb weight I have been carrying has been lifted, and the words escape me. I received a call from Londyn's neuro plastic surgeon. He is completely in shock. Londyn's sutures have not fused. SHE WILL NOT BE HAVING SURGERY!!!!!!!!! Did you hear me!?!?! WE ARE NOT HAVING SURGERY!!!!!!!!!! I cannot even begin to describe how extremely overwhelmed with joy I am right now. She has once again been protected and we have received yet another miracle from God. She continues to shock me each and every day. As I write this she continues to repeat the words "mama... mama.... mama..." My heart swells. I am the luckiest mom in the world. This girl is amazing. We are so blessed. We love you all. Thank you for all of your love and support. You keep us going.

Here we go again...

Today I took our sweet Londyn to the University of Utah to see a Neuro Plastic Surgeon.  When Londyn had her first brain surgery, the neurosurgeon placed a drain into her ventricle to drain out the fluid and blood that had accumulated in her brain.  He didn’t check on her for a few days and ended up over draining her brain, which caused her sutures (bones that form in your skull) to collapse in. They were now overriding which gave her a very odd shaped head. Her pediatrician sent me to this surgeon in hopes that we could help reshape her head by using a helmet. There is a very narrow window you have to fix a babies head shape. Once the baby turns 9 months old, your window has usually closed. Since she is now 7 ½ months we wanted to get on top of it. When I saw the surgeon today, he discovered that her sutures have already fused. Some of these aren’t even supposed to fuse until you are in your 20’s. He said at this point, we are way beyond a helmet and that it would not be possible to fix Londyns head that way. She is going to have to have a full cranial reconstruction L This entails cutting her head open from ear to ear, taking out all of the bones in her head, reconstructing the bones while they are outside of her head, and then placing them back inside of her. This is a HUGE surgery and as you can imagine, we are pretty scared and nervous to say the least. We could use any prayers or good vibes that you can send our way. We are heartbroken that our angel has to go through yet another brain surgery, but we know it is something that will be good for her in the end.  The surgery is very important so that we can make sure that her brain growth is not inhibited because her head is too small. This brings me to the silver lining in all this (yes there actually is a silver lining.) When they did a CT scan on her brain today, we saw that her brain has continued to heal and get better. It is an absolute miracle and it is astounding to me how much she is being watched over. We continue to see miracle after miracle with this child. We are so blessed to have her.

            Also, recently the doctors have been very concerned about Londyn’s lack of weight gain. She has been being very closely monitored by her incredible pediatrician, GI specialist, and feeding therapist. We had a swallow study done to see if there was a chance that she could be silently aspirating. It basically comes with the territory of a baby with her same neurological make up that they at least have some sort of abnormal swallow. After the swallow study, her doctors were shocked to find that she has a totally and completely normal swallow. Once again, she is a miracle. Her doctors have been throwing around the idea of placing a feeding tube in order to give her the nutrition she needs. Her GI doctor is not on board with that though. He has A LOT of faith in her and believes that she can work it out. He obviously isn’t taking that option off the table, but he is giving her every possible chance to prove that she can do it on her own. It feels so good to have someone who believes in her and really cares about her as a human being (not that all of her other doctors don’t.) Her pediatrician also had her do blood work to see if she was anemic or malnourished from the lack of food. Once again, she surprised him. Everything came back normal. She has been so watched over and protected and I could not be more grateful. Please keep our angel in your prayers. She could really use it right now. 

Where we are now

            I often get the question how is Londyn doing now? Where are you guys at with everything? How are you guys doing? Those are all fabulous questions. I never quite feel like I can answer them though because they would take FAR too much time to answer so I usually just go with the "We are doing okay" answer. The truth of it all is we are just trying to get through life one hour at a time. These past 6 months have been VERY HARD but they have also been incredibly rewarding.
I thought a great thing to do would be to tell you what a day in the Pando house has been like for the past few months.
           When we first brought Londyn home, we were on a 3 hour schedule. We were on that schedule because thats what the NICU did and thats what Londyn was use to, so every 3 hours we would change her diaper, feed her, give her her meds, and I would pump her milk. We couldnt ever just have her breastfeed because we needed to see how much milk she was getting. The schedule was incredibly exhausting. It would take Londyn anywhere from an hour to an hour and a half to eat so by the time she finished, and I pumped her milk, it was just about time to start over again. It was exhausting.


Most recently, our schedule has been somewhat like this...

12:00am-2:00am wake Londyn up and feed her
7:00am Londyn wakes up for the day. She needs her meds, I change her diaper, do her stretches (which consists of stretching her feet, ankles, shins, hamstrings, and right hand. She then eats
8:00am I begin work. I work from home so there is a lot of multi tasking that goes on throughout the day. Whenever Londyn finishes eating, I lay her down on her play mat to play with her toys
9:00am Londyn starts her tummy time (which is very crucial therapy for her)
10:00am I change her diaper again and do her stretches (each time we change her diaper, she is supposed to do her stretches).I try to feed her again and then continue working
1:00pm try to feed her again
2:00pm I bathe her and try to clean up around the house a little
4:00-5:00pm I finish working and then feed her again
6:30pm I start cooking dinner (sometimes this doesn't happen and sweet Blake makes dinner)
7:00pm Blake gets home from work and helps me with dinner or tries to help get Londyn to eat. She gets her meds again
10:00pm Londyn typically throws up each night around 9:00 or 10:00 so we typically spend time cleaning up, bathing her, getting her ready for bed and then feeding her again. We then put her to bed.
(I should add that Blake and I both work two jobs and Blake is currently going to school. He works so hard so that we can have a good life.)

            Obviously this is a very variable schedule. That is just roughly what each day is like. I usually take her to atleast one or two doctor appointments a week. Sometimes there are more. Last week she had five appointments. I take her to the pediatrician every Thursday or Friday for a weight check and every few weeks she has a therapist that comes to our house and meets with us.
            As you can see from above I talked A LOT about eating. Our lives have become consumed with Londyn's eating. This is her number one struggle and we have not been able to pinpoint why yet. She has been seeing a G.I. doctor for the past couple of months and we have tried all kinds of medications, formulas, fortifiers, and different mixes of all of the above. Londyn is the best baby in the entire world until you try to put a bottle in her mouth. She will basically scream and cry until you just give up. We typically spend anywhere from 10-12 hours a day trying to get her to eat. It is not uncommon for us to spend 2-3 hours trying to get her to eat 3 oz. It is also not uncommon for one of us to be in tears by the end of the day. Almost every single night, we will get in the car and drive around for about 45 minutes because for some strange reason, she will eat in the car. Up until this last week I use to pump exclusively for her so basically my life was to pump, then feed her, pump, then feed her. I made a deal with myself that if I could just make it until Londyn was 6 months old, I would feel good about being done feeding her breast milk. It was VERY hard with all of the stress just to keep my milk in, let alone produce enough milk to keep up with her increase in eating. I sometimes feel guilty or like I failed at breastfeeding, but I did the best I could.


            As of right now Londyn currently weighs 11lbs 13 oz and she is 29 inches long. She is EXTREMELY long and just continues to get longer and longer. She currently still wears 0-3 month clothing but has to wear 9 month pajamas because she is so long (she may have to start wearing 12 month jammies soon.) We are currently in the process of trying a different kind of formula. Her doctors think that she is extremely allergic to protein and cows milk. Unfortunately for us, the formula is outrageously expensive and supposedly insurances WILL NOT cover it. Our pediatrician is working with us to battle our insurance company to see if we can get them to pay. He said we will probably have to pay for the first couple months, but hopefully we can get it covered after that. We are also seeing a feeding therapist to help us try to figure out ways to help Londyn to like eating more. What they think happened was she has a very high pain tolerance because of all that she has been through, so although she was likely in pain all day long from her food, she only cried when we would try to feed it to her because she knew it would hurt her. So now, we have to try and help her see that eating isn't a horrible thing that causes pain. We are hoping it doesn't take too long for her to understand because we are going a little INSANE. We try to stay as positive as we can but the truth of it is, it sucks. It is by far the most frustrating thing I have ever dealt with. It is a trial that never lets up. We don't get a break from it. There is no way to understand it unless you have tried all day long to feed her. Its very hard. Londyn is also very particular about who feeds her. She typically only wants momma to feed her which is rough when I need a break. I feel like she has gotten a little better recently about eating for other people, but she still prefers mom.

Neurosurgery:
           Blake and I took Londyn to the Primary Childrens emergency room in June because we thought that her shunt was malfunctioning. They did a couple of brain scans to see what was going on. The neurosurgeon came in so ecstatic when she saw her brain scans. She told us that somehow, someway, Londyn's brain is miraculously healing. When Londyn had her brain surgery, her doctors told us that they could not fix that damage that had already been done, but that they could try to preserve what was left of her brain. I broke into sobs when the neurosurgeon pulled up her brain scans. I knew exactly what I was looking at and I knew it was something that we never expected to see. The doctor told us that they were completely amazed at what had happened and that they could not explain it. She said that after looking at her scan, she was very encouraged that Londyn would make a recovery. She said, "It may take a few years, but I believe that Londyn will make a recovery from this."

           Last Friday I took Londyn to have her eyes checked at the Moran Eye Center. The ophthalmologist said that Londyn sees just fine. We were so happy to hear that.

Physical Therapy:
          Londyn will be seeing a physical therapist a couple of times a week to help her to gain strength and recover from her stroke. She also has a therapist that comes to our house from early intervention to follow her development.

         Overall, the doctors are completely astonished with how well she is doing. She continues to improve each day and beat every odd that is placed in her path. She has far exceeded any and all expectations that her doctors had for her. She is an incredibly social baby and has a way with drawing people to her. She LOVES playing with her toys on her play mat and loves to go on walks or rides in the car. She brings us more joy than we ever knew was possible.
        Although things have been incredibly hard and exhausting for us, whenever I feel like I am ready to give up, I remind myself of the deal that I made in that very sacred chapel on February 16, and then I am ready to continue on.

On the Night You Were Born…

To my precious Londyn, 

               

 Sunday morning I woke up early from a very good night’s rest. I remembered having some bad dreams. Although I was awake, I just laid in bed. I was too exhausted to move. My body didn’t have the strength or energy to do anything. I remember feeling like my soul was gone. I knew that I had not been dreaming when they told me that you were going to die. I knew exactly why I felt the way that I did. I tried with every ounce of strength I had in my body to tell my heart not to cry. I even said out loud to myself over and over again, “Don’t cry. It will all be okay.” I thought maybe if I lied to myself enough times that I might somehow start to believe myself. Tears were streaming down my face. My pillow wasn’t even dry from the night before so it really didn’t matter anyway. I was trying so hard to be strong for you.  I didn’t want you to hear me cry. I didn’t want you to feel the horrible pain and emotion I was going through. Dad woke up and rolled over only to see me with tears rolling down my face. He scooped me up and held me the way he had for the past two days. He was right by my side every second to hold me when I needed. When one of us wasn’t strong, the other one was. We took turns having our come-aparts. We both told each other that there was no way that we would be able to continue on with this life had it not been for us having each other. We both needed the other so badly.

                After crying for quite a while and talking to Dad about how we were feeling we decided that we needed to get out of bed and move on with our day. There wasn’t much I was allowed to do but we thought we would go down and watch some TV or something. As I went to go downstairs, I saw your room. I knew that I really shouldn’t, but I went in, sat in your rocking chair, and began rocking you while I held onto my belly where you were safely tucked away. I sang you “You are my sunshine” as I had every other day of my pregnancy. I never could have dreamed just how true the words to that song would come to be to me. I never would have guessed they would become my life.

“The other night dear,

 while I was sleeping,

 I dreamt I held you in my arms.

 When I awoke dear,

I was mistaken,

so I hung my head and cried…

You are my sunshine.

 My only sunshine.

You make me happy,

when skies are grey.

You’ll never know dear,

how much I love you.

Please don’t take my sunshine away.”  

I could feel you kicking me. Tears came streaming down my face yet again. Dad soon came in and found me in the horrible state that I was in. I looked at him and choked out, “what are we going to do with all of her stuff?” I became hysterical. Dad then became hysterical with me. Neither one of us could be strong for each other at this point. We were both so broken. We had worked so hard to make your room fit for a princess. We had made sure you had everything you needed and more. All of our friends and family had showered you with gifts. I had no idea what we were going to do with it all. Dad looked at me and said, “We are going to leave it exactly how it is. We are not going to pretend like none of this ever happened. We are not going to pretend like Londyn didn’t exist. We are going to leave everything right here.” We both held each other as tight as we could. We cried as hard as our bodies would let us.

                After a long time of sobbing I looked at Dad and said, “We can’t give up on her. We have to give her every chance that we can.” We both agreed. We knew we needed to get out of that room so we went downstairs. Not too long after, Aunt Jewels came over with Saylor. She had called me earlier and said that she was going to come over, but she was just waiting for Chris to come home so he could babysit Saylor. She didn’t want to upset me by bringing over her precious baby girl. I told her that it would not upset me at all to have Saylor there. I insisted that she bring her. When they came in I swept up Saylor as quick as possible. I needed a baby to hold on to. I held her as tight as I could and savored every single “baby” part of her. I couldn’t get enough of the way she smelled. I looked at aunt Jewels; she had tears in her eyes. I told her, “Hold onto this angel as tight as you can.” She promised me she would. She had brought us some delicious donuts and treats. She made me up a breakfast plate and came and sat by me on the couch. We watched some TV and talked. My friends Mattie and Felicia came by to visit. They both came in with tears in their eyes. I let them know that although I was heartbroken, I was not going to give up on you until I knew for sure that there was no chance that you would make it. I told them that I had promised Heavenly Father that if he would let me keep you, I would do whatever I had to for the rest of your life as long as you could be with me. We had a great talk and it was so nice to have some company during such a hard time. When they were getting ready to leave, Uncle Tommy and Aunt Penney came over. Everyone wanted to make sure we were not alone and that we were well taken care of. They did an amazing job of being there for us when we really needed them.

                I had been lying on the couch all day long. Dad came over and gave me some medicine and told me I needed to take my blood pressure. We were both in shock when we saw what it was. My blood pressure was 160/110. Dad started freaking out. He said, “oh my gosh! That is not good at all. We need to go to the hospital.” I knew he was right, but I was scared. I told him that I was fine and it was probably just a fluke. I drank some water and tried to relax my body. Dad told me that I needed to retake it again in five minutes and then call Dr. Draper. When I took it again my blood pressure was 165/120. I called Dr. Draper and told him what was happening. He told me “You need to get to a hospital RIGHT NOW. You do not have time to wait.” I quickly went upstairs and put my shoes on. Dad gathered up all of the things that weren’t already in our hospital bags. I knew that I was going to be meeting you very soon. As I walked down the stairs I told Aunt Penney and Aunt Jewels, “I think we are going to be meeting this princess very soon.” I was so excited and so scared at the same time.

                Dad was driving as fast as he could. He was terrified. My vision started to go blurry, I was having chest pains and I began to panic. Dad became even more afraid as he could see that I was not doing well. He kept saying to me, “Brooke you have to stay with me! Nothing can happen to you! Are you okay? What’s going on?” I knew he was so upset. I tried to put on the bravest face I could. I didn’t want him to be afraid. I was terrified that something terrible was going to happen to me while we were driving. I did not want Dad to have to see that. I kept wondering if we should call an ambulance but I knew that by the time they even could meet us where we were driving we would already be close to the hospital. I did my best to remain calm. I called both of our parents and told them that we were on our way to the hospital. I told them that I had a strong feeling that we would be meeting you soon. I told them I needed them to be there as soon as I could. I know that they could hear that I was very scared. I wasn’t sure what it would be like to have a seizure or stroke. I didn’t want to find out. No matter what happened though, I just wanted you to be safe. I was willing to die if you could live.

                Two days prior when Dr. Draper told me that you weren’t going to make it, he said to me, “Brooke, I understand that in your mind Londyn absolutely comes first no matter what, but you need to know that you come first on my list. Londyn is a close second, but if it comes down to your life or hers, you need to know that you come first on my list.” I didn’t like that at all. He knew how I felt. I had told him that I would be willing to give my life in exchange for yours. I had heard people say things like, “I would die for my child.” I always thought of it as some kind of figure of speech but at this moment, I truly meant it in the most literal sense possible.

                We arrived to the University of Utah Hospital at about 3:00pm. I was able to calm down once we were at the hospital because I knew that if I had a seizure or stroke, there would be people there to help me. Dad jumped out of the car, ran and got me a wheel chair, and pushed me up to the maternal emergency room as fast as he could. Dr. Draper had already warned them that we would be coming and they were all ready for us when we arrived. They took me straight into a room and began running test after test. They hooked you and I up to a monitor so that they could see how we were both doing. They checked my blood pressure every minute or so. It continued to go up. Not long after we arrived, all of your grandparents arrived. I could tell that they were all very nervous. The doctor on call came in to talk to us. She said that after running the tests she wasn’t sure if it would be a good idea for me to continue with the pregnancy. At this point my life was in danger. My blood pressures were at levels that people often have strokes or seizures. She said they were just waiting to hear back from Dr. Draper on what he wanted to do. I remember so vividly Dad saying to her, “Listen, I have come to terms with the fact that I am most likely going to lose my daughter, but I can’t lose my wife at the same time. It’s time to be done.” Our parents agreed that it was the best thing and that we needed to keep me safe. At this moment in time I felt a great sense of defeat. I felt like I had failed you. I felt like I hadn’t given you every chance that you needed. It was a terrible feeling. I was so torn. I remembered the words which I had recently read in Elder Holland’s book and I knew that everything was going to be okay. “Yes, there will be stress and sorrow in life, and we will not always get the answer from Heaven we prefer, but God will always give us the answer we need, and with it He will give both strength and spiritual solace in our times of trouble.” I read those words to your Grandmas and let them know that I knew that Heavenly Father was holding your hand each step of the way and that we would be okay. I knew that he could create miracles and that if it was His will that you were to live on this earth, you would. Dad was having a really hard time. I had never seen him so afraid before. I could see the fear and terror in his eyes. He was pacing and sweating. He and Grandpa Pando decided to go out in the hall for a walk. I knew that Dad didn’t want me to see how afraid he was or stress me out more than I was. I felt horrible for him and I didn’t know how to reassure him.

                Not too long after, the doctor on call came back in and said that Dr. Draper had called and said that they needed to deliver you as soon as possible. She let me know that there was a mother in the operating room, but as soon as she was out, I would be having an emergency C-section. Things began to move very fast from there. They brought in an anesthesiologist to put in an IV and then moved us over to labor and delivery. As soon as we got in there they started me on a magnesium drip to try to get my blood pressure to come down so that I would not lose so much blood during surgery. It is the most terrible medication I have ever been on. It felt like my entire body was on fire. I was so nauseous and my body hurt so much. Dr. Null, your neonatologist came in the room to let us know that he would be the one waiting for you to be passed through the window after you were born. I was so overwhelmingly relieved to find out that he was going to be the one there. We had already told him what we wanted if things didn’t turn out well with you. I was so glad to not have to explain that to anyone else. He asked us if that is still what we wanted. It was. I couldn’t believe that we were really making that decision. I couldn’t believe that we had to make that decision. The whole time I was pregnant with you, I never imagined that this was the way it was all going to turn out. It never crossed my mind, and now here I was, signing over my soul. Things became very real, very quick. Grandpa Pando, Grandpa Erickson, and Dad gave me a blessing. I didn’t cry. I wasn’t scared. Instead, I felt this unreasonable amount of peace come over me. I was ready to face up to my problems no matter what they were (Dr. Suess). I couldn’t describe how I was feeling. I knew I shouldn’t be feeling how I was, but I was.  I haven’t ever felt as peaceful as I did in that moment. I had finally found the solace that I had ached for for the past few weeks.

                I asked Grandpa Erickson if Dad could give you a blessing if it looked like you weren’t going to make it (since he is the Bishop in his ward I knew he would know.) He said that he had researched it and that if you were alive, even if it were only for a few minutes, Dad could give you a blessing. He said that we would need to get permission from our Bishop. I remember Dad making that very heart wrenching call. His voice broke as he began the question to our Bishop. I remember praying and begging that if I couldn’t keep you, that you would be able to stay with us long enough to bless you. I continued to feel that very strange peace. I started to get so excited. I couldn’t believe this day had come. I was finally going to meet the angel I had carried inside of me for 8 months. The one who I loved, with a love that I had never felt before. I didn’t know it was possible to feel that much love for someone, let alone someone I had never laid eyes on.  Our Bishop gave us the okay.

                The doctors came in and let us know that they would be taking me into the operating room in the next couple of minutes. Everyone came in to wish us luck and give us a hug. I was so surprised to see your Aunts; Jade, Penney, Julie, Sandy, and Uncle Ryan. They had all come up to be with us. They didn’t want us to have to go through such a hard thing alone. I kissed everyone goodbye including Daddy. They said that I would be the only one who could go in to the operating room at first, and then Dad would join us later.

It was a very short ride to the operating room. My body began to shake uncontrollably. I think that I went into shock. There were about twenty doctors and nurses moving throughout the room as fast as they could. The room was filled with an overwhelming amount of stress. They had me get completely undressed, sit on the operating table, and lay my upper body over a metal tray (the kind that holds all of the operating tools.) My whole body was shaking so badly. The anesthesiologist was getting ready to give me a spinal block. One of the nurses came over to me and put her arm around me. She whispered, “You’re going to be okay momma.” I looked back at her with tears filling my eyes. I replied, “You’re right. I am going to be okay. I just don’t know what that okay will be. I don’t know if I am going to be holding my angel and kissing her goodbye or keeping her.” Right then, I felt the needle go into my lower back. It wasn’t nearly as painful as I had imagined (maybe because I had been through more pain than I ever had thought possible in the past two days.) The anesthesiologist had me lay down. She began at my feet and moved up my whole body asking if I could feel any of my body parts up to my neck. I couldn’t, and like that, they began cutting in to me.

They had only been going for about two or three minutes when Dad got to come in. He sat at my head and held my hand. I wasn’t feeling very good. I was still very shaky and having them cut into me was the weirdest feeling I have ever felt. I didn’t like it at all. I mostly hated that I could feel my body being yanked and pulled but I really couldn’t FEEL it. It’s the kind of feeling you get after you go to the dentist and your cheeks are numb but you can still feel it. I don’t know how to describe it, but I didn’t like it at all. One thing I definitely felt was the doctors pulling my body parts out. It made me physically ill. I knew I was going to throw up. They asked Dad if he wanted to watch them pull you out. He wanted nothing to do with that (your Dad isn’t much of a blood and guts kind of guy and I don’t blame him.) We heard the doctor say, “I have a bum, I have two feet, I have two arms” and that was it. Dad and I became very nervous because we hadn’t heard you cry. I wasn’t sure what to think. We began waiting. Each second that passed we kept waiting for them to hand you to us. A nurse came over and said, “Okay guys, she was born at 7:05pm. The doctors are working on her right now. It was so adorable when the doctors pulled her out, she opened up her eyes and looked right at us.” My heart was bursting with pride. I couldn’t believe you were actually here. Each second that went by, Dad and I became more and more hopeful and excited. We had been praying all along that they would not pass you back to us (that meant that everything was going well and that you were showing signs of surviving). A nurse came in and asked Daddy if he wanted to come see you. What!?! Someone was allowed to see you!? I couldn’t believe it. I was so happy. I told Dad to go as fast as he could and see you. Part of me was sad. I was sad I couldn’t see you, and was scared that I might miss the time that you were going to live, but the other part of me needed Dad to be with you.

A few minutes later Dad came bursting through the O.R. doors yelling, “She’s breathing on her own! She’s crying! She’s sucking on a binky!! She is so beautiful Brooke. You are going to be so in love with her.” Breathing on her own!?!?! Crying!?! Sucking on a binky!?! I could not believe it. How could this be? You were surviving on your own without any help. This was exactly what the doctors had told us was the impossible. They told us if you were to live, you would need to be on a ventilator. My whole body was aching to see you so bad. I wanted them to give you to me. I wanted to hold you and feel you on my chest. I told Dad that he needed to run and tell our parents the incredible news. He came back very quickly only to find me in a terrible state. I had a horrible pain up in my collar bone and down through my right arm and I began throwing up every couple of seconds. Because I was lying on my back on the operating table, it was not easy for me to throw up. I was a mess. The nurses kept trying to wipe of my face and suction out my mouth, but I would just make a mess again. Dad began holding the tray for me to throw up into. He was so sweet. The nurse explained to him that because my blood pressure was so high, and then they had put me on the magnesium drip, my blood pressure would sky rocket, and then completely drop, which is why I was so sick. Every time the doctors would yank on my stomach or mess with my insides, I would instantly throw up again. I just wanted them to be done. For some reason, my uterus would not contract so the doctors had to give me a shot that would help it contract. They also had a really hard time getting me sewn back together. They said I didn’t have enough skin to pull it all back together. Needless to say, it took the doctors a really long time to get me all put back together, and I was not a patient girl. I’m sure it felt like even longer because I just wanted to see you. I kept hoping that they were going to bring you in to me.

                They finally took me back to my room where your grandparents were waiting for us. They all said that I looked like I had lost a lot of blood and I was very green. According to the nurses, I had lost a lot of blood because of my blood pressure and I had just been throwing up for about twenty minutes straight so it definitely made sense ;). Not too long after, our family got to go back and see you! Our precious little miracle baby. What!?! I know you are thinking the same thing as me right? They all got to meet you before momma!?!?! I know, awful right ;) I cannot even tell you the jealousy that was running through my body as each one of them would come in and tell me how beautiful you were. The doctors wouldn’t let me go anywhere for a few hours since I was on the magnesium drip. They had to keep me very closely monitored. I was feeling pretty awful and I was STARVING. I wasn’t allowed to eat anything besides ice chips, but I’ll tell you what, ice chips have never tasted so divine. Your sweet Grandpas were so amazing to stay with me and feed me ice chips. I was really happy that they were all able to see you and spend time with you; I was just aching so badly to see you myself. It was getting late and everyone decided it was time to go. I was still stuck in that dreaded labor and delivery room… I know, poor me. Alas, the nurses FINALLY came in and said that they would be moving me to my long-term room and that on the way there, they were going to take me to meet you! They couldn’t have taken me there fast enough. I had waited for this moment for 8 months. I had imagined in my head what it would be like. It wasn’t going to be anything I had imagined. My situation wasn’t anything I could have ever planned for, but I will tell you this with full confidence, I don’t think there was any momma in the hospital that night that appreciated her baby the way I did. It was truly a miracle that you were with us.

                The nurse rolled me into a quiet, dark, very sacred room. I looked over, and there you were; the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes. With tears streaming down my face I choked out, “Hey baby.” You instantly turned your head and locked eyes with me. It was like we had known each other forever. Your nurse scooped you up and set you right on my chest. It was by far the best feeling in the whole world. I couldn’t believe how perfect you were. You were absolutely beautiful. You had dark brown curly hair, the cutest little nose, and the most beautiful lips I have ever seen. I couldn’t believe you were mine. I couldn’t believe you had just come from my belly. I couldn’t believe you were really here. It was all so surreal. I laid there in silence with you on my chest. We were both just staring into each other’s eyes, memorizing each other’s faces. I could have stayed there forever. I sang you “You Are My Sunshine” as I always had, and played you a song I had been waiting to play for you for months. I have never savored a moment the way I did that night. I held you tighter than anything I had ever held. I told you how proud I was of you for being so strong and fighting as hard as you did. You proved everyone wrong. Heavenly Father was with you each step of the way, and seeing you that night, I had never known more in my life that God is real, that He loves us, and that he is a God of Miracles. You were the greatest miracle I have ever seen, and I was there to watch it front and center. I was so privileged to be a part of the most beautiful thing I have ever witnessed.

                I made sure to send a picture to all of our family members to brag that although they all got to see you before me; I was the first one to hold you ;). The nurses had to drag me out of the room (otherwise I would have never left.) They took Dad and I back to our long-term room. I was so exhausted and felt terrible. I had forgotten how awful I was feeling while I was with you. I begged the nurses for some food. They let me eat some crackers and juice. It tasted so good. I was so tired and wanted so badly to sleep, but the nurses had to come in every 15 minutes and kneed my stomach. It was torturous. They then had me start pumping which was also incredibly painful. I realized at that point that we were not going to be getting any rest that night. Although I was exhausted, I felt okay about staying up all night, because on that night, reality was WAY better than my dreams.

On the night you were born,

The moon smiled with such wonder

That the stars peeked in to see you

And the night wind whispered,

“Life will never be the same.”

Because there had never been anyone like you…. Ever in the world.

Heaven blew every trumpet

And played every horn

On the wonderful, marvelous

Night you were born.

Londyn McCall Pando

Born: 02/17/2013

Time: 7:05pm

Weight: 4lbs 15oz

Length: 19in

"Her first breath took ours away"

A Change of Heart

The next morning I remember waking up so shocked that I had actually fallen asleep for a little bit. We both woke up very early since the nurses kept coming in to monitor me. Blake forced me to order breakfast even though I wanted nothing to do with it (what a good husband).  My phone vibrated. It was a reminder alarm to remind me about the baby shower I was supposed to attend that afternoon in my honor. My heart sank and my stomach dropped. My shoulders felt so heavy. My entire body felt heavy. I felt like I had been carrying so much weight for a really long time. I knew I wouldn’t be making it to the shower. There is no way I could go and put on a happy face.  I didn’t want to go. I no longer needed to. I would no longer be needing any more diapers or adorable girl clothes or blankets, or accessories. It hurt so bad. My mom let me know that she had taken care of everything and let everyone know that I would not make it to the shower. That was a big relief. Soon after, messages began flooding in from people who were going to be at the shower. They all told me how sorry they were and they let me know that they would be praying for our family. That meant so much to me. I knew we needed the prayers and thoughts now more than ever.

                Blake and I soon realized that we could not allow ourselves to be in the horribly loud silence. We had to have some noise to distract us so we turned on the TV to find some early Saturday morning television (you all know how awful it is. It’s mostly infomercials). We ended up finding Planet of the Apes. It seemed to be the longest movie ever (probably because it is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.) Every few minutes I would break into sobs again. Each time Blake would hold me and tell me not to cry. I was in so much pain. I felt like I was going to explode from trying to keep all of my tears and heart ache in. I felt like a train wreck. I told Blake that I needed to get out of that room and go somewhere. I wanted to go walk around the hospital. He agreed and we began our walk. There was no one in the hospital. It was so desolate. I was grateful since I looked like I had just been hit by a bus and then backed over twice. Not too long into our walk, we came to a chapel. Everything inside of me told me that I absolutely NEEDED to be in that chapel. I told Blake I wanted to go in. I went in and sat down. The room was silent and dark. There were fresh flowers sitting up on a table. I knew my body was about to unleash every emotion that I had been keeping inside of me. I told Blake that I really wanted to be alone. He said, “Absolutely not. You are not going to be alone right now.” I begged him. He continued the same argument. I said, “I promise you I am okay, but I REALLY need to be alone right now. Please just give me some time.”  I told him to go down to our car and get our bags and then come back up and get me. He very hesitantly agreed. He kept asking me if I was sure. I definitely was.

                When he left the room, my body instantly let go of everything that I had been holding in for the past day. I cried in a way that I have never cried before. I didn’t know it was possible for those sounds to come from my body. I remember thinking that I had no idea that I could hurt the way that I was. It didn’t seem humanly possible. I knew that there was only one way for me to find any kind of relief from the pain that I was carrying. I knelt down on the floor over one of the chairs in the chapel and prayed in a way I never had before. I was talking out loud like He was in the room with me; like He was sitting right next to me. I had never been as close to God as I was at that moment. It will forever be the most sacred prayer that I have ever said in my life. I told Him that my heart was completely shattered, that I was in an unbearable pain, and that I needed Him to take some of the pain away from me. It had become more than I could bear. In that prayer, I also made a promise to Him. I promised that if He would allow me to keep Londyn, that I would be willing to do whatever I had to do throughout her life, as long as I could keep her. I would endure any trials that He put in front of me, as long as she could be with me.

                After pouring out my heart, I went over and sat down in some chairs that were in the front of the room. There was a hymn book on one of the chairs. I opened it up and found one of the many tender mercies that he had sent me. I found a hymn that had never meant much to me before. I always thought that it was a pretty song, but it had never been one of the hymns I would have thought of to help me through what I was going through. He couldn’t have spoken the words more clearly to my soul.

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;

With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In every change he faithful will remain.

Be still my soul: Thy best, thy heavenly Friend

Thru thorny ways, leads to a joyful end.

                I sat for a while and felt my body change as the pain became bearable again. I knew I was not going to walk this path alone. I knew he had heard my pleas and that he had answered them. I also knew that this was not in my hands. There were only two people who knew what the turnout would be, and that was Londyn and God.

I finally got up and went back to my room. Blake was not far behind me. I was ready to go. I just wanted to get out of that hospital. It had been my home away from home for the past two weeks and it was getting really old, really quick. My nurse came in and told me that my tests had come back and that I definitely had pre-eclampsia, but that my doctor wanted me to see if I could still go longer. She told me that I could go home. It was such a relief. I just wanted to be in my own house, in my own bed, and not be bothered every 5 minutes by some new test. She told me they would just be getting my discharge papers and then I could go. I got dressed and pulled my hair back, and then waited…. And waited…. And waited……….. After 3 hours Blake and I were getting pretty upset. We finally called the nurse in and asked what was taking so long. My guess is they just forgot, because soon after we had the discharge papers. When we got home, Blake and I both went straight to our bed. We were exhausted. We laid down, and it couldn’t have taken us more than two minutes until we were out cold.

                I woke up to Londyn kicking me. I remember feeling something very different from what I had felt the past couple of days. The first thought that came to my mind (I kid you not) was, “What in the hell am I doing!?” It was like I had this crazy epiphany. I sat there and thought, “Here I am mourning the loss of my precious angel when she is still alive! What is wrong with me!?! How terrible of me! How terrible to Londyn! I am supposed to be her biggest fan and I have already given up on her. What is wrong with you?” I then heard a knock at my door. It was my sister Penney. Of course it was. She had come to be with us so that we would not have to be alone during this time. I couldn’t have been more grateful to her. We sat down on the couch and started talking. She told me that my mom was having a very hard time trying to deal with everything. She said that my mom was feeling completely helpless because she saw her baby going through an extreme amount of pain, and there was absolutely nothing she could do about it. I knew that I needed to call her right away. I went up and woke up Blake and told him to go visit with my sister and then I called my mom.

                I remember I was sitting in Londyn’s room in her rocking chair when I heard my mom’s shaky voice. I could tell that she had been crying. I could hear the weakness and defeat in her voice. I said to her, “Mom, I need you to listen to me. WE ARE NOT GIVING UP ON LONDYN. She is alive and breathing and we are going to celebrate her. We are not going to mourn her loss while she is still with us. If the doctors say that there is only a 1% chance that she has to live, then that is what we are going to hang on to. WE ARE NOT GIVING UP ON LONDYN.” I could tell that her demeanor had changed and that she was ready to be on board with me.  She told me that she was going to get some for us and that she would be over soon.

                Family members continued to flood in to be with us. They brought treats and pizza and we all just enjoyed our time together. I made sure to tell each one of them that we were not going to lose our faith and that we were going to give Londyn every chance possible. I knew she was a fighter from the time I saw her at her 20 week ultrasound and if she was anything like her momma, she was bound to be stubborn and determined. Who cares what the doctors say? They don’t know everything.

                We were sad when everyone had to go. We knew that the silence would be our worst enemy again. I wished that everyone could sleep over, but I knew that they all had lives too.  I was just so grateful for the time that they had spent with us.

                

When a Heart Breaks

This part of the story was supposed to go with my last post. I am sorry to have left you all hanging the way I did, but I couldn’t do it. I tried to continue and it hurt far too much. My plan today is to just write as fast as I can, pour it all out, and then move on. I know that someday I will want to look back on this and remember the details, but for now, I’m doing this strictly for therapeutic reasons. I hope by the end of this I will be able to find some strength and some peace in the most tragic day of my life. I hope that someday I can say the date February 15, and not have a mental and emotional breakdown. I hope that my anxiety will subside when I think about Valentine’s Day. I hope that someday I will again think of it as a happy, wonderful day to celebrate the man I love the most. I hope that the heart ache and shear pain that I feel whenever I think of that weekend will someday just become a memory that does not come along with those terrible emotions.

I hope that I can remember the details of that day. When I think back on it, so much of it is a blur. There are parts I don’t remember at all, that others have told me. I think that it was such a traumatic experience that by body has tried to remove parts of it from my memory.

Friday, February 15, Continued…

                Dr. Draper and the other doctor came back to the room. Blake was sitting next to my hospital bed, holding onto my hand. I remember squeezing him as hard as I could and trying to prepare myself for what “decisions” my doctor had in mind. I had no idea what he was going to say to me but I knew it was obviously something serious because he wanted Blake to get there quick. I wondered if there was something wrong with me that was very serious. I wondered if they decided that they were going to deliver Londyn that day. I wondered if he wanted to talk more about the pre-eclampsia? That is what I was there for in the first place right? He began, “Brooke and Blake, I wanted to talk to you because I am going to be going out of town this weekend…  There is a chance that Londyn could be coming at any time now, and I don’t want anyone else to have to tell you this… I was looking at Londyn’s ultrasound from this morning hoping that her head would be getting better and healing but it just isn’t… in fact it is much worse. I really hate to have to tell you this, but Londyn isn’t going to make it.” I remember gasping for breath like the life had just been sucked from by body. I felt like ten thousand pounds of bricks had just been dropped on my stomach. He continued on, “Londyn may not even make it through the rest of your pregnancy. I am so sorry.” Tears streamed down our faces. Those words cut like a knife straight to the most delicate parts of our already tender and broken hearts. How could this be happening? What was he talking about? He could see the look of terror and confusion in our eyes. He asked if we were okay. Blake said, “We had no idea that there was ever even a chance that Londyn wouldn’t make it. That never crossed our minds.” I know my doctor continued talking but as to what he said, I will never know. My heart had just been ripped from me. My world had just completely shattered. A few minutes later he came to the part where he wanted us to make a decision. He said, “When Londyn is born and the umbilical cord is cut, you will no longer be her life support. She will have to know to breathe on her own, eat on her own, even make her heart pump. Londyn will not know to do those things on her own because of the trauma to her brain. She will likely only live a few seconds or a few minutes. At that time, we can force her to do those things by doing chest compressions and putting her on a ventilator but that will only prolong her life for a short time and that is very hard on babies. Would you like us to make her breathe, or would you like to just hold her for the short time that you have with her and kiss her goodbye?”  

                I remember just staring at him. I could not believe what he was asking me. I couldn’t comprehend it. I sat in silence trying to process what he asked me. I continued to stare at him with empty, blank eyes. He knew at that moment that we were not capable of giving him any kind of answer. He said, “I am going to leave you guys alone to think. I will come back in a while with Dr. Null who is the president of the NICU at Primary Children’s and The University of Utah. You can tell us what your decision is then.” He came over and gave me a hug and then left the room.

                Blake held me as my body shook uncontrollably and I cried the way I never had before. We once again held each other the way we had two and a half weeks prior to this day when this had all began. Blake said to me, “We will get you some counseling. We will do whatever we need to. I am so sorry sweetheart.” Nothing anyone could have said or done would have taken an ounce of the agony that we were feeling at that moment. I couldn’t believe that we were actually going to lose our precious angel. I could feel her moving inside of me. Each movement was torturous knowing that I would soon be saying goodbye to the person that I had carried inside of me for the past 8 months. I held onto her as tight as I could.

                Not too long after my doctor came back with Dr. Null from the NICU. They re-explained to us our options. I asked him, “What would you do?” Dr. Draper said, “With the beliefs I have, and I know you believe the same, I would choose to just enjoy the time that I have with her.” That is what Blake and I had chosen to do. We talked about it and decided that if Londyn wasn’t meant to be here, we would let her go in peace. I knew that we could not be selfish at this point. You really can’t be selfish when it comes to parenthood. It’s all about those sweet angels and we decided that we were going to let our angel decide when it was her time to go.

                After that, there is not a lot that I remember from that day. I have decided that my body felt that it was too tragic for me to keep the memories, so it ridded my mind of that painful day. However, with the help of my mom and Blake, they have helped me put together some pieces from that day.

I remember that I called my mom. As to what I said to her I couldn’t remember. She said that I called her and said, “Mom, the doctors said that Londyn is going to make it.” Her response, “Why!?!”  My reply, “they said there is just too much damage to her brain.” She said, “I am on my way” and then hung up. I’m not sure what happened next but my mom said that she arrived to me and Blake lying together on my hospital bed, both of us in tears. She told me she didn’t know what to say to us. All that she could say was, “I am so sorry.” I knew in my heart that everyone wanted so badly to take away the pain from us. They wanted to say something that could help us but there just wasn’t anything to say or do. This was a real life nightmare that we were all living. My Dad and Blake’s parents arrived soon after. Each one of them held us tight, cried with us, and apologized for the terrible thing that we were about to endure. No one could believe that we were really going to lose Londyn. It had never been talked about. It had never been an option. We knew that hard things may be ahead of us. We knew that she may require help the rest of her life, but we never dreamed that we would have to live without her. I know that soon after our parents arrived my doctor came back in to check on me and take care of some paperwork. I don’t remember much of what was talked about at that time, but I remember my mom asking my doctor if there was any chance that Londyn would make it. He looked at me with very empty and sorry eyes and said, “It would take a miracle.” He told us that if she did live, it would likely only be for a few minutes. Maybe hours, maybe a few days or weeks, but if she did, she would surely be a vegetable.  Someone then asked if we were going to go ahead and deliver her. He replied (while looking at me), “I actually want you to continue your pregnancy to 37 weeks.” I felt like the life had been sucked out of me once again. I began sobbing. I could not believe what he was asking me to do. How could he expect that of me? I explained to him that each and every kick or movement that I felt was shear torture and pain. How could he seriously ask me to do this!?! He had no idea what I was going through. I was so angry and upset. He continued, “When Londyn passes away I want to be sure that it’s because her brain failed her. Not because she was premature.” After he explained more to me about wanting to give Londyn the best chance possible, I agreed to continue with the pregnancy. I was willing to do anything in this world for my angel.

I remember trying to forget the things my doctor was saying. Each time someone new would enter the room, I would show them the ultrasound picture of Londyn’s face. I would show them how absolutely adorable she was. I stared at that picture for a lot of that day. I wanted to hold onto that very beautiful, very alive face.

I remember that there was a constant flow of nurses and hospital staff who continuously would come in my room and give their apologies and ask if there was anything that they could do for us. My answer was the same every time. There was nothing that anyone could do. The pain continued to get worse and worse the more time went on. I think it just kept becoming more real that I was going to lose my Londyn.

                Soon after, our brothers and sisters began trickling in. Each of them would just begin sobbing when they walked in. It was so hard. I tried to stay strong. I felt like I didn’t have the strength to go on. I remember my mother-in-law and sister-in-law (Sandy) sitting on my bed with me. They were rubbing my back, playing with my hair, holding me, and trying as hard as they could to get some food down me. I really didn’t want anything to do with food. I had such a knot in my throat that it didn’t feel like I would be able to swallow anything. The food tasted awful, but thanks to those two, I got a few bites down me. My mom told me that she was out in the hall talking to some of my siblings. When she came back in the room, my sister Penney was laying next to me on my hospital bed, holding me. We were both crying and she just held me. It was a moment that I will always hold so special to my heart.

                I was in so much pain. I was having chest pain. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I had a terrible headache. The nurses came in to check on me and I told them how I was feeling. They began checking me for a heart attack and giving me all kinds of medication. I remember saying to one of the nurses through my tears, “I’m not having a heart attack. My heart is broken. It is literally broken. You can’t fix me. There is nothing you can do.” I was hysterical. They sent my doctor back in to see me. He insisted on me getting stronger medication. I didn’t want anything else. Nothing was working, but I took it anyway. Somewhere in the middle of all of this my doctor said something like, “the next time that you are pregnant…” before he could go on I cut him off. I was even more hysterical than I had already been. I said, “You’re telling me that people do this again? I will not be doing this again! I am not ever going to have another baby.” I began that heavy, shaking, hysterical cry again while one of the nurses held me. She said, “I am so sorry. I am so so sorry.” She just let me cry. There wasn’t anything to say.

                The next memory that I have is sitting there watching everyone talking. I don’t know what they were saying. I was in my own world. It was like there was complete silence. Like I was watching through a window. I’m not sure how to best describe it? I remember that everyone was joking and laughing. I was bewildered. How was everyone joking and laughing? My life was falling apart. That was the very first moment that it hit me that although my life was in shambles, I was a total wreck and I didn’t know how I would ever go on… everyone else’s life would go on just the same as it was before. They would keep moving ahead, and I would be trapped in this horrible dark place. That was one of the hardest things to come to grips with.

                It was getting late and everyone decided that they should go. Hospital visiting hours were about up (although I don’t think the hospital would have enforced those rules on us that night). I remember not wanting people to leave. I didn’t know what to do with the silence. I was scared. After everyone left, a nurse probably in her seventies came in. As everyone else had, she apologized for what we were going through. She said to me, “Honey, you cannot sleep alone tonight. I am going to make an exception for you. I want you two to sleep together on the pull out bed tonight (talking to me and Blake). Just make sure that you keep the remote with the emergency button by you at all times.” She also promised that they would do their very best to come in as little as possible so that we could get some sleep. I thought, “Yeah right… Like I’m gonna get some sleep on a night like this…” We both laid down together. Blake held me the whole night as I cried. He kept promising me that we were going to get through it. Just when I would think that I could stop crying I would start again. It was a long night but somehow we managed to get a little bit of sleep even with the nurses coming in every couple of hours.