When a Heart Breaks

This part of the story was supposed to go with my last post. I am sorry to have left you all hanging the way I did, but I couldn’t do it. I tried to continue and it hurt far too much. My plan today is to just write as fast as I can, pour it all out, and then move on. I know that someday I will want to look back on this and remember the details, but for now, I’m doing this strictly for therapeutic reasons. I hope by the end of this I will be able to find some strength and some peace in the most tragic day of my life. I hope that someday I can say the date February 15, and not have a mental and emotional breakdown. I hope that my anxiety will subside when I think about Valentine’s Day. I hope that someday I will again think of it as a happy, wonderful day to celebrate the man I love the most. I hope that the heart ache and shear pain that I feel whenever I think of that weekend will someday just become a memory that does not come along with those terrible emotions.

I hope that I can remember the details of that day. When I think back on it, so much of it is a blur. There are parts I don’t remember at all, that others have told me. I think that it was such a traumatic experience that by body has tried to remove parts of it from my memory.

Friday, February 15, Continued…

                Dr. Draper and the other doctor came back to the room. Blake was sitting next to my hospital bed, holding onto my hand. I remember squeezing him as hard as I could and trying to prepare myself for what “decisions” my doctor had in mind. I had no idea what he was going to say to me but I knew it was obviously something serious because he wanted Blake to get there quick. I wondered if there was something wrong with me that was very serious. I wondered if they decided that they were going to deliver Londyn that day. I wondered if he wanted to talk more about the pre-eclampsia? That is what I was there for in the first place right? He began, “Brooke and Blake, I wanted to talk to you because I am going to be going out of town this weekend…  There is a chance that Londyn could be coming at any time now, and I don’t want anyone else to have to tell you this… I was looking at Londyn’s ultrasound from this morning hoping that her head would be getting better and healing but it just isn’t… in fact it is much worse. I really hate to have to tell you this, but Londyn isn’t going to make it.” I remember gasping for breath like the life had just been sucked from by body. I felt like ten thousand pounds of bricks had just been dropped on my stomach. He continued on, “Londyn may not even make it through the rest of your pregnancy. I am so sorry.” Tears streamed down our faces. Those words cut like a knife straight to the most delicate parts of our already tender and broken hearts. How could this be happening? What was he talking about? He could see the look of terror and confusion in our eyes. He asked if we were okay. Blake said, “We had no idea that there was ever even a chance that Londyn wouldn’t make it. That never crossed our minds.” I know my doctor continued talking but as to what he said, I will never know. My heart had just been ripped from me. My world had just completely shattered. A few minutes later he came to the part where he wanted us to make a decision. He said, “When Londyn is born and the umbilical cord is cut, you will no longer be her life support. She will have to know to breathe on her own, eat on her own, even make her heart pump. Londyn will not know to do those things on her own because of the trauma to her brain. She will likely only live a few seconds or a few minutes. At that time, we can force her to do those things by doing chest compressions and putting her on a ventilator but that will only prolong her life for a short time and that is very hard on babies. Would you like us to make her breathe, or would you like to just hold her for the short time that you have with her and kiss her goodbye?”  

                I remember just staring at him. I could not believe what he was asking me. I couldn’t comprehend it. I sat in silence trying to process what he asked me. I continued to stare at him with empty, blank eyes. He knew at that moment that we were not capable of giving him any kind of answer. He said, “I am going to leave you guys alone to think. I will come back in a while with Dr. Null who is the president of the NICU at Primary Children’s and The University of Utah. You can tell us what your decision is then.” He came over and gave me a hug and then left the room.

                Blake held me as my body shook uncontrollably and I cried the way I never had before. We once again held each other the way we had two and a half weeks prior to this day when this had all began. Blake said to me, “We will get you some counseling. We will do whatever we need to. I am so sorry sweetheart.” Nothing anyone could have said or done would have taken an ounce of the agony that we were feeling at that moment. I couldn’t believe that we were actually going to lose our precious angel. I could feel her moving inside of me. Each movement was torturous knowing that I would soon be saying goodbye to the person that I had carried inside of me for the past 8 months. I held onto her as tight as I could.

                Not too long after my doctor came back with Dr. Null from the NICU. They re-explained to us our options. I asked him, “What would you do?” Dr. Draper said, “With the beliefs I have, and I know you believe the same, I would choose to just enjoy the time that I have with her.” That is what Blake and I had chosen to do. We talked about it and decided that if Londyn wasn’t meant to be here, we would let her go in peace. I knew that we could not be selfish at this point. You really can’t be selfish when it comes to parenthood. It’s all about those sweet angels and we decided that we were going to let our angel decide when it was her time to go.

                After that, there is not a lot that I remember from that day. I have decided that my body felt that it was too tragic for me to keep the memories, so it ridded my mind of that painful day. However, with the help of my mom and Blake, they have helped me put together some pieces from that day.

I remember that I called my mom. As to what I said to her I couldn’t remember. She said that I called her and said, “Mom, the doctors said that Londyn is going to make it.” Her response, “Why!?!”  My reply, “they said there is just too much damage to her brain.” She said, “I am on my way” and then hung up. I’m not sure what happened next but my mom said that she arrived to me and Blake lying together on my hospital bed, both of us in tears. She told me she didn’t know what to say to us. All that she could say was, “I am so sorry.” I knew in my heart that everyone wanted so badly to take away the pain from us. They wanted to say something that could help us but there just wasn’t anything to say or do. This was a real life nightmare that we were all living. My Dad and Blake’s parents arrived soon after. Each one of them held us tight, cried with us, and apologized for the terrible thing that we were about to endure. No one could believe that we were really going to lose Londyn. It had never been talked about. It had never been an option. We knew that hard things may be ahead of us. We knew that she may require help the rest of her life, but we never dreamed that we would have to live without her. I know that soon after our parents arrived my doctor came back in to check on me and take care of some paperwork. I don’t remember much of what was talked about at that time, but I remember my mom asking my doctor if there was any chance that Londyn would make it. He looked at me with very empty and sorry eyes and said, “It would take a miracle.” He told us that if she did live, it would likely only be for a few minutes. Maybe hours, maybe a few days or weeks, but if she did, she would surely be a vegetable.  Someone then asked if we were going to go ahead and deliver her. He replied (while looking at me), “I actually want you to continue your pregnancy to 37 weeks.” I felt like the life had been sucked out of me once again. I began sobbing. I could not believe what he was asking me to do. How could he expect that of me? I explained to him that each and every kick or movement that I felt was shear torture and pain. How could he seriously ask me to do this!?! He had no idea what I was going through. I was so angry and upset. He continued, “When Londyn passes away I want to be sure that it’s because her brain failed her. Not because she was premature.” After he explained more to me about wanting to give Londyn the best chance possible, I agreed to continue with the pregnancy. I was willing to do anything in this world for my angel.

I remember trying to forget the things my doctor was saying. Each time someone new would enter the room, I would show them the ultrasound picture of Londyn’s face. I would show them how absolutely adorable she was. I stared at that picture for a lot of that day. I wanted to hold onto that very beautiful, very alive face.

I remember that there was a constant flow of nurses and hospital staff who continuously would come in my room and give their apologies and ask if there was anything that they could do for us. My answer was the same every time. There was nothing that anyone could do. The pain continued to get worse and worse the more time went on. I think it just kept becoming more real that I was going to lose my Londyn.

                Soon after, our brothers and sisters began trickling in. Each of them would just begin sobbing when they walked in. It was so hard. I tried to stay strong. I felt like I didn’t have the strength to go on. I remember my mother-in-law and sister-in-law (Sandy) sitting on my bed with me. They were rubbing my back, playing with my hair, holding me, and trying as hard as they could to get some food down me. I really didn’t want anything to do with food. I had such a knot in my throat that it didn’t feel like I would be able to swallow anything. The food tasted awful, but thanks to those two, I got a few bites down me. My mom told me that she was out in the hall talking to some of my siblings. When she came back in the room, my sister Penney was laying next to me on my hospital bed, holding me. We were both crying and she just held me. It was a moment that I will always hold so special to my heart.

                I was in so much pain. I was having chest pain. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I had a terrible headache. The nurses came in to check on me and I told them how I was feeling. They began checking me for a heart attack and giving me all kinds of medication. I remember saying to one of the nurses through my tears, “I’m not having a heart attack. My heart is broken. It is literally broken. You can’t fix me. There is nothing you can do.” I was hysterical. They sent my doctor back in to see me. He insisted on me getting stronger medication. I didn’t want anything else. Nothing was working, but I took it anyway. Somewhere in the middle of all of this my doctor said something like, “the next time that you are pregnant…” before he could go on I cut him off. I was even more hysterical than I had already been. I said, “You’re telling me that people do this again? I will not be doing this again! I am not ever going to have another baby.” I began that heavy, shaking, hysterical cry again while one of the nurses held me. She said, “I am so sorry. I am so so sorry.” She just let me cry. There wasn’t anything to say.

                The next memory that I have is sitting there watching everyone talking. I don’t know what they were saying. I was in my own world. It was like there was complete silence. Like I was watching through a window. I’m not sure how to best describe it? I remember that everyone was joking and laughing. I was bewildered. How was everyone joking and laughing? My life was falling apart. That was the very first moment that it hit me that although my life was in shambles, I was a total wreck and I didn’t know how I would ever go on… everyone else’s life would go on just the same as it was before. They would keep moving ahead, and I would be trapped in this horrible dark place. That was one of the hardest things to come to grips with.

                It was getting late and everyone decided that they should go. Hospital visiting hours were about up (although I don’t think the hospital would have enforced those rules on us that night). I remember not wanting people to leave. I didn’t know what to do with the silence. I was scared. After everyone left, a nurse probably in her seventies came in. As everyone else had, she apologized for what we were going through. She said to me, “Honey, you cannot sleep alone tonight. I am going to make an exception for you. I want you two to sleep together on the pull out bed tonight (talking to me and Blake). Just make sure that you keep the remote with the emergency button by you at all times.” She also promised that they would do their very best to come in as little as possible so that we could get some sleep. I thought, “Yeah right… Like I’m gonna get some sleep on a night like this…” We both laid down together. Blake held me the whole night as I cried. He kept promising me that we were going to get through it. Just when I would think that I could stop crying I would start again. It was a long night but somehow we managed to get a little bit of sleep even with the nurses coming in every couple of hours.

You never know how truly strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have

The next week of my life was spent trying to come to terms with my new reality. Although I knew that things could be difficult, I was bound and determined to not lose an ounce of my faith. I knew that I needed to have faith for Londyn. I knew that it was my job to protect her and to have strength enough for her to overcome this terrible insult that her brain had received. She needed to be strong and heal from this massive stroke. I reminded her every hour of every day that she needed to be strong for mommy and that she needed to get better. I told her that I would do whatever it took to help her and that I would love her no matter what the turn out was. I knew it was in God’s hands now. It was a very helpless feeling and it was so hard for me to bear, yet I knew that everything would be okay because He was watching over her and taking care of her. He had seen us through each and every step of the pregnancy. Had it not been for Him, we probably would have never found the bleed in the first place and then she would not have stood a chance at survival. The doctors also determined that Londyn was breech (which is usually a bad thing) but they were so happy that she was, because it was helping to preserve her brain and not damage it worse. Had she been head down, there would have been more pressure on her brain causing more damage. I also sometimes wonder if my fluid was low so that she would not be able to turn head down. All of these blessings gave me great comfort and I knew that Londyn was in good hands.

                I began reading Jeffrey R Holland’s book: For Times of Trouble, which I highly recommend to everyone. It truly got me through some of the darkest days of my life. Every day that I would read it, it was like another tender mercy. I would read the perfect thing that I needed to hear at that moment and it gave me the peace and strength that I needed to get through each day.

                I spent almost every day or every other day up at the University of Utah hospital doing ultrasounds, blood tests, stress tests, this test, that test, and then some. Blake would spend every moment that he could with me, (all along keeping up with two jobs and 17 credit hours of school… yeah… he is the most amazing husband in this world) but most of my time was spent with my incredible mother. She would take me to my appointments, come and keep me company at home, (so I wouldn’t have to be alone during such a hard time.) She would clean my house, make us dinner, and mostly just be there for me when I needed her the most. It meant so much to me. I knew that she had so many things that she needed to do, but she dropped everything for me and got me through an incredibly difficult time. At one of my daily appointments, my doctor discovered that my blood pressure had spiked. I was also having bad headaches. He began to become very concerned for me and said that I had pre-eclampsia. I had to be watched very closely because pre-eclampsia can be life threatening for a mother and her baby. A blood pressure monitor became my best friend.

                On Friday, February 8, I ended up in the emergency room at the U of U. It seemed that Londyn was having seizures. I had felt two different episodes that felt like she was having a seizure and I was completely panicked. The worst thing was that they couldn’t do anything for her. Even if she was having seizures, there was nothing they could do. I felt so completely helpless and terrified. They talked about delivering Londyn that night. They put Londyn and I on a stress monitor. We also did another very long ultrasound. The ultrasound tech was having a very hard time getting Londyn to move, but after talking with my doctor, they decided that they wanted me to keep going with the pregnancy in order to give Londyn the best chance possible. After reviewing the results from the monitor they had us on, my doctor was more concerned about my blood pressure because it seemed to be even higher than before. He called me at home late that night and told me that he wanted me to go to a local pharmacy the next day, take my blood pressure, and then call him and tell him what it was.

                The next morning, Blake drove me to the pharmacy. My Blood Pressure was around 160/96. I called me doctor and told him. He basically said, “Get home, get in bed, do not get up unless it’s to go to the bathroom, and if you have a headache that won’t go away with Tylenol, get to the ER.” I knew that this was a big deal. My doctor was so easy going and didn’t really make a huge deal out of things unless he was serious, so I took his orders. I was pretty bummed but I was willing to do whatever I had to in order to give my angel the best chance possible. My family and Blake’s family were so supportive during this difficult time. They were so good to come and visit and bring treats. It helped keep me from going crazy. Blake was so good to help me out whenever he could. He doted on me hand and foot.  Although I was going crazy with all the time I now had on my hands to let my imagination run wild, everyone was so good to pitch in and be there whenever they could. They helped keep my mind off of the “what ifs” and the “what if nots”.

Thursday, February 14 (Love Day)

               

                 I was feeling a little down since it was Valentine’s Day and Blake and I weren’t going to get to do anything. My mom had taken me earlier in the week and got a few things for him so I wouldn’t be the worst wife in the world. ;) That morning I took my blood pressure and it was again very high. I was feeling very nervous and shaky and I had a really bad headache. I wasn’t sure what to do and I was very scared. I had just said a prayer to ask Heavenly Father to help me when I heard someone in my house. I was really scared at first, but then I heard a voice. It was my mom. She said, “Honey, its mom.” I cannot tell you the love and peace that I felt at that moment. I could not believe how my prayer had been answered.  I told my mom that I had prayed for some help and there she was. I got in the tub to try and calm down and then my mom rubbed some lavender oil on my feet to help soothe me. My blood pressure came down and I was feeling better. I told my mom that she should go. I didn’t want her to spend her Valentines taking care of me. She needed to be with my Dad. She had spent so much of her time right by my side. A sweet lady in my ward had offered to bring me dinner that night so I knew I would be just fine. My mom went to dinner with my dad and I guess the whole time she was feeling anxious about if I was okay or not. Blake had school that night and wouldn’t be home til around 9. She tried to call me about seven or eight times and never was able to reach me. She tried to call Blake to see if he was home but he was still at school. She said she went in to panic mode. She was terrified that something awful had happened to me. She rushed over to my house only to determine that my phone just hadn’t been ringing. I was fine. I had been keeping myself entertained with episode after episode of “One Tree Hill”. She stayed with me until Blake got home and then she left us for our “Valentines Date”. Our plan was to watch a movie and eat the food that our gracious neighbor had prepared. Before we started the movie Blake wanted me to take my blood pressure.  It was at an all new high. I called my doctor and told him what it was. He told me that I needed to go to the ER. Out the door we went, to our home away from home, to spend an unforgettable Valentines together. When we got there, they put me back on the monitor. This time was different than the others though. They weren’t letting me go home. They wanted me to stay the night. They hooked me up to an IV and began giving me fluid. They wanted to do a 24 hour urine sample to test and see if there was protein in my urine and how much there was. This could tell them what stage of pre-eclampsia I was in and whether or not they needed to deliver Londyn right away. We tried to get as comfortable as possible and spent the night there.

Friday, February 15: The Worst Day of My Existence.     

Early the next morning, Blake had to head to school. He had a test and was going off of little to no sleep. I was then moved from labor and delivery to the Women’s area of the hospital. They told me that I would be going to have another ultrasound to check my fluid levels and to see how Londyn was doing. This was the first time I had ever had an ultrasound by myself and it felt a little strange. It was weird to be at the hospital by myself, but I wanted to be a big girl and I didn’t want to burden anyone. Everyone had spent so much time away from home taking care of me that I didn’t want them to have to come. When my mom asked if she should come up, I told her I would be fine and that I would probably be going home soon anyway, so not to worry. I was in good hands. The ultrasound went well in my eyes. Everything looked about the same as it had in the last million ultrasounds (okay that’s an exaggeration but it sure felt that way) plus I got to see a front shot of my adorable angels face. I had never seen such a great picture of her face. I instantly fell so much more madly in love with her than I ever had before. She was so cute and she was mine. I couldn’t believe how much I loved her. I sat for the longest time just staring at that beautiful baby. Shortly after my ultrasound, my doctor came to see me with another doctor at his side. He asked me where Blake was. I explained to him that he was at school and that he had a test that he needed to be there for, but that he would probably be back in a few hours. He said, “I need to talk to you both. You have some decisions that you need to make.” I wasn’t sure what he meant and I felt too paralyzed to ask. I was so confused and caught off guard that I didn’t ask what he meant by that. I said, “Okay, when would you like him to come?” He replied, “If he can be here within ten minutes that would be best.” He told me to call him right away when Blake got there and that he would be back to talk to us. I was sick. I didn’t know what to think. I called Blake and tried to sound strong. I didn’t want to scare him, but I told him that Dr. Draper wanted him to get there as soon as he could. He left school right away and came to be with me. We sat and waited for him to come back. I had the most terrible knots in my stomach, a softball in my throat, and an unbelievable tension throughout my body. I didn’t know what was coming for me next. I could have never braced myself for what was about to hit me.

Going back to where it all began….

This post has taken me months to write. Every time that I try to get started I feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed because there is so much detail. Overwhelmed because there is so much to tell, and completely and totally overwhelmed with emotion. It seems that every time I let my heart go back to those weeks in January and February, the same pain and anguish I felt floods back over me and I instantly shut down. I stop writing and delete everything because I’m not ready to feel all of that again. It has hurt far too much to go back.

But, these past couple of weeks I have had a change in mind set. I have realized that I need to feel those raw emotions. I need to grieve, and I need to be able to let go of some of that pain that I keep tucked very deep in a dark corner of my very tender, very breakable heart.  I’m ready to feel now…

January 21: The day it all went wrong.

I had been feeling like something was wrong with my pregnancy but I wasn’t sure what. I had told my mom, sisters and Blake that something just didn’t feel right. They all offered me some very sincere reassurance that everything would be okay and I appreciated that, but still knew that something was wrong. On January 21 I went in to see my doctor. I told him about the worry and concern that I had been feeling. He measured my belly and said that I seemed to be measuring small so he wanted me to go to down and have an ultrasound. Everything was fine with Londyn, but the ultrasound showed that I was low on amniotic fluid. When we discussed this with my doctor he said that this was very worry some and that I needed to be on bed rest. He told me I needed to spend much of my day on my left side in order to preserve the fluid that I had left. He warned me that he would be looking at delivering Londyn within a week or two but he wanted me to make it as long as I could. He had me get steroid shots so that her lungs would develop more quickly. I was so scared. I did not want my baby to be born 8 weeks early. I did not want a NICU baby so I was very obedient to him. I immediately began working from home. I drank a ton of water each day. I laid on my left side pretty much all day long, every day.

January 28:

I went back to see my doctor and have another ultrasound. The ultrasound showed that my fluid levels had dropped but everything was fine with Londyn. He also did a stress test on Londyn to see how she was handling the change in environment. We had a hard time getting her to move so he sent me down for another ultrasound. The ultrasound tech couldn’t get her to move either and she was going to give us a failing grade on the stress test but luckily Londyn got the hiccups so she passed us. At this point my doctor decided that it was probably better for us to go ahead and deliver Londyn since my fluid was so low but before he did so, he wanted me to meet with a parenatologist from the University of Utah so that he could tell him whether he was making the right decision or not.

Wednesday, January 30:

Just writing this date made me tear up. This was the hardest day of my life up to that point in my life. It hurts me so much to continue writing right now, but I am going to push through it. Blake and I met with Dr. Michael Draper at 7:45am at Jordan Valley Hospital. An ultrasound tech came in and did another ultrasound and then he came in the room. He came in and introduced himself and then proceeded to ask me about my family’s history with cancer and bleeding disorders. I wasn’t sure why he was asking me these questions but I tried to tell myself that it must just be routine. He then said, “I know that you are here because of low fluid, but you have a much bigger problem on your hands.” He then proceeded to pull up the images of Londyn’s brain. He said, “Londyn’s brain is either bleeding or she has a brain tumor…” I know he kept talking after that, but as to what he said, I’m not sure. I know that I kept looking at him and nodding my head like I knew exactly what he was saying. I think that he could see that I most definitely had not processed a word that he said. He told us that he was going to leave us alone in the room for a few minutes and then he would be back in. As he left the room, I continued to stare at the horrible image that he had left on the screen. My incredible husband then stood up and put his arms around me and whispered “Everything is going to be okay.” It was at that point that I lost it. I began uncontrollably sobbing; the kind where your shoulders and back are bouncing and the kind where you can hardly catch a breath. Soon after, Dr. Draper came back in and told us that we needed to meet him at the University of Utah at 1:00pm for more testing so that we could find out exactly what was wrong. Blake had to basically carry me out of the office. I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t talk. I could hardly move. I continued an out-loud hysterical sob as we tried to make our way out of the hospital. I tried to control myself and I couldn’t. We found some bathrooms and I told Blake that I needed to go in. I need to scream. I needed to be alone. I went in and wiped my face and grabbed as much tissue as I could find and went back out to find one of the most terrible images I have ever seen. Every time I think of it, my heart feels excruciating pain. It was the image of my precious husband doubled over in the corner of the entrance of the hospital. He was doing the same hysterical, out-loud cry as I was. I had never in my life seen my husband in this much pain and I had never imagined that I would. I wanted to remove every ounce of pain that he was feeling and take it all upon myself. I went over and picked him up and we somehow made it to a nearby bench. We held onto each other as tight as we possibly could and cried as hard as our bodies would let us. After sobbing for I don’t know how long Blake turned to me and said, “We just have to have faith. We can’t stop having faith.” I will never forget those words. For me, they were a major turning point and I am forever grateful to my sweet husband for giving me those words to cling to.

We finally found the courage to get up and leave the hospital. We walked out still holding tight to one another. I needed Blake to hold onto in order for me to be able to move. So much of me wanted to just sit there and not move. I wanted to wake up from the dream I was having. I knew this had to be some kind of horrible nightmare that I was having. How could everything be fine with my baby two days ago and now everything is completely wrong? What happened? Blake decided to drive directly to my parent’s house. He knew I needed my mom. We both sobbed the entire way there. I wanted to call my mom and warn her that we were coming but I couldn’t speak. I literally could not. Blake called his Dad on the way to my moms and was able to choke out that we needed his parents. They immediately left work and were on their way to hold us.

When we got to my parents, the pain I was feeling somehow became so much stronger. It was so much more intense when I realized that I had to tell someone else the horrific news that we had just been bombarded with. We walked into their house and found my mom. We were both sobbing uncontrollably and she knew something was terribly wrong but neither of us were able to choke out a single word. She just held us both and let us cry until we were able to say something. She immediately went and got my dad and told him he needed to come down and be with us. We were finally able to get some control over ourselves and tell them what the doctor had told us. They were both in shock. Everything had been fine. How did it all of the sudden go so wrong? We waited for Blake’s mom and dad to arrive and my parents were able to fill them in on what had happened. We then had our Dad’s give us a priesthood blessing which was the next major turning point for me and for Londyn’s future. In the blessing that my dad gave me, Londyn and I were promised that we would be made whole and that we would be healed. I have clung to those sacred words more than anything else in my life. They changed me. They changed my daughter. I know that with all of my heart.

We only had to wait about 3 hours until our appointment at the University, but they were the longest three hours of my life. Time has never drug on the way it did that day. I have never been so nervous. I felt as though I would throw up at any second. Blake and I rode with my mom up to the hospital. On the way there, she coxed us into stopping for some food. It seemed to be the last thing on our mind and she knew that we needed to be forced to eat. Neither of us could hardly put any of it down. Our bodies were in too much pain to eat. It made us feel worse.

When we got to the doctors office they were already ready for us. They knew who we were and they knew why we were there. I was so impressed with Dr. Draper that he would fit us in to his incredibly busy schedule and that he had warned his office that we would be coming. We did not wait long before they took Blake and I back for the most in depth ultra sound possible. They went over each and every inch of Londyn’s body multiple times. They especially focused on her heart and brain. It was so in depth that they had two ultra sound techs do an ultrasound as well as the radiologist. By the time we were done with ultrasounds, two and a half hours had passed. Blake and I didn’t dare speak. We didn’t know what to say. People kept talking in code about our baby and that really upset us. It was like everyone knew this big secret that we didn’t. It hurt. I wanted to know what they were talking about. It was excruciating sitting in that small room waiting to speak with our doctor. We called our parents in to come and be with us in that tiny room and soon after my doctor came in and told us he wanted to talk to us in the conference room.

Have you ever seen one of the movies where someone is really ill and they take that person into a conference room to let them know what horrible news they have for them? This was our reality. I couldn’t believe it. I think I actually said, “That room isn’t for me. I’m not supposed to be in that room. That is the room for the people in the movies.” We sat down with Dr. Draper. He said, “After looking through the ultrasounds we can see that Londyn has had a brain bleed (a stroke) and from your past ultrasounds I can see that it has started in the last 48 hours.” At this moment I was so thankful that we had our parents with us. I knew I was going to need them so that we would know what else the doctor had said. My mind would fade in and out. I couldn’t process things fast enough. He just kept talking and I was still stuck at “Londyn’s brain is bleeding.” He then told us that we had a 50/50 chance of Londyn being completely fine with no problems, to her being totally handicapped and mentally retarded. Of course there were a lot of in-betweens such as cerebral palsy or learning disabilities. He wanted us to immediately begin testing to determine the cause for her bleed and he also wanted to see if my water sack had broken. If it had, I would be hospitalized that night and he would deliver Londyn within two weeks. He then introduced me to my new team of doctors who would be seeing me through the rest of my pregnancy and then did some more tests. He was able to see that my water sack was still intact and that was not the problem for my loss of fluid. This was a huge relief. This meant I could go home and that I could continue the pregnancy longer. We were finally able to leave the hospital at about 7:30pm (we had been there for 6 hours and our first appointment had started at 7:45am.) My mom stopped and got us some food. Blake and I were so exhausted. We filled all of our family in on what had happened at the doctor and then went home.

We both just fell onto the couch and laid there with each other. Neither of us had much to say. We were too mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. The whole day we had had a difficult time getting Londyn to move and that was stressing me out a lot. I told Blake that it was really worrying me that she wouldn’t move. He then laid his head on my belly and began singing to his precious baby. Right away she began moving like crazy. I laid there as tears streamed down my face while I listened and watched this very tender moment with the two people that I love and adore the most. It meant so much to me to see Blake interact with Londyn that way. I felt so much love for him at that moment. Although we were so tired we had a hard time sleeping. Our minds were just racing and our hearts were so full of emotion. My stomach was so tangled in knots that it hurt to lay down (besides already being super uncomfortable because of pregnancy). At some point though, both of us were able to fall asleep and get some rest.

The next morning we woke up early, feeling awful. We realized that the terrible pain we were feeling wasn't a dream. It was our new reality and we had to somehow, someway, come to accept that and learn to deal with it. At first we both said that we were going to call in sick to work and just take a day to be very very sad and mourn. After about ten minutes, we realized that it was terrible sitting in a quiet house and letting our imaginations take us to some very dark places. We both looked at each other and said, “We’ve gotta get out of here.” We both got dressed and ready and went to work. People were shocked to see us there but understood why we would want to be there. I received lots of phone calls that day. Each time I had to talk about our situation again it was like another knife to my heart. The pain was intense. I just couldn’t believe I was really in this place. How was everything just fine one second and the next it was horribly wrong? I then looked at my wall at my desk. I had hung up a quote from my hero, Jeffrey R Holland months before this had ever happened. The words were perfect. They spoke straight to my soul in a way they never had before. At that moment, I knew everything would be okay and I was able to find the strength I needed to go on with that hour, that day, and my life.

“Only God knows how it all turns out, and for those who belong to Him, it turns out well.”

                                                                                                                     -Jeffrey R Holland

I'm ready to feel now

The past few months have been the most difficult and trying months of my life, yet they have also been the most incredible, rewarding, sacred, and cherished months at the same time. So many of you have been asking about Londyn and how she is doing. I realized after talking to quite a few people that most people have no idea what happened to Londyn. They just know that we have been going through a very difficult time. I have had so many people ask if we have a blog for Londyn. I didn’t, but I am starting now. This will be such an incredible way for me to keep a journal of all of the triumphs and tragedies, the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. I am vowing to myself and to all of you that I am going to write down EVERYTHING. Even the stuff that hurts. I am hoping that this will be a way for me to remember the tender mercies and miracles; and also give me a place to spill my heart when needed (and those days are needed. Trust me.) I hope this will be a beautiful place where you can all follow the very special, the very sacred moments, of my precious Londyn’s journey.